Circles ━ Evan Buckley

006: BAD IDEA, RIGHT?

And if Indiana is secretly disappointed that she won't see Buck as often as she'd like to, then that's no one's business but her own.

Because, the thing is, Indiana knows she's being selfish. It may have been Buck who proposed the idea of them doing this, but Indiana sealed the deal with her agreement. She could have said no, should have told Buck that he would be much better off finding an actual girlfriend, and they would both be much better off than they are now.

Alas, as we've already clarified, Indiana is selfish. She's going to take every ounce of attention she can get from Buck that isn't going to make her sacrifice herself. She told him herself that she wasn't ready for anything past a friendship, and she meant it.

They are just two good looking people pretending to date each other. It's no big deal.

"Hello, earth to Indiana? You with me?"

The snap of Buck's fingers shock Indiana from her daydreaming, and her head snaps up and stands to attention. She look at Buck guiltily, knowing fine and well that they've tried and failed to show this presentation at least three times- each of which have been Indiana's fault.

"Sorry, Buck," she says, her tone soaked in remorse. "Sorry, I promise I'm not ignoring you on purpose, just got some stuff on my mind."

With a clipped sigh, Buck presses on the power button of the remote and shuts down the projector. His laptop clicks closed in the back of Indiana's mind, and she barely registers him sitting at the end of the sofa. He lifts her feet from where they were, placing them on his lap. Indiana feels him rubbing soothing circles on her ankle.

"Care to clue me in?" Buck asks, soft and gentle.

Indiana shrugs, forcing the words out past the lump in her throat. "Just in my head a little too much. It's nothing to worry about, Buck, honestly."

Buck fixes her with a stern look, "Indiana, you look like you're about to burst into tears. We agreed to have full transparency with each other in order for this to work, so I need you to talk to me."

The thing is, despite how blunt Buck is being, Indiana can practically feel the warmth of his words. It washes over her like the summer sun, melting away winters touch. She melts against the couch, limbless, and speaks to the ceiling.

"I feel like I'm using you."

Indiana can't see the look on his face, staring at the tweed light shade on her ceiling instead. She imagines that his lips will be pursed, maybe moving around silent words as he tries to articulate his answer. Buck is good at using his words to describe his feelings, which is a compliment that Indiana does not hand out lightly.

Eventually, Buck sighs, "You are."

Indiana shoots up out of her position with haste. Her mouth opens and closes for a moment, uselessly, trying to find a response. It's not that she was looking to Buck for reassurance, or to make her feel better about blatantly taking advantage of him. She just hadn't thought that he'd be so harsh with the answer.

Buck must be able to tell that she's struggling to form a coherent response, so he sticks a hand out in front of himself to silence her. "You are using me, but I'm using you, too. It's what this relationship is all about."

"Right," Indiana says, her words skeptical. "We're just... using each other."

A grin overtakes Buck's previous frown, "Yes! Exactly!"

Indiana shakes her head, "Buck, you have to realise why I think that's not something I'm comfortable with. We're not going to be able to form any sort of healthy relationship by using each other."

"But that's what we're doing," Buck argues, sounding only a little petulant. "It doesn't have to be a derogatory term, Indiana. I think the acknowledgement of it automatically makes it not unhealthy."

"No, it doesn't," Indiana insists. "I just... I feel like the only person this situation benefits is me. You aren't getting anything out of it."

There's a silence that follows her words, and they sit underneath the blanket of her confession. It's not easy for Indiana to lay her heart on the line and tell the truth, to pull all of her fears and worries out from behind the barricade just... put them out there.

But she does it anyway, because if there is one thing Buck can get out of this, it's the truth.

"My ex girlfriend," Buck starts, and the mere mention of her puts a sour taste in her mouth. "She left very suddenly, and I was under the impression that she would be coming back. Maybe it's because I was so young, too naïve, but I believed her.

But months passed, and eventually she stopped calling me back. I was living in her apartment, almost entirely dependant on everything that had given me, and I didn't have a clue what to do without her. But I forced myself- actually, it was more my team who forced me, to move on from her."

Indiana interrupts, confused, "You didn't, though? If you had moved on, you wouldn't be sitting on my couch."

"Exactly. I haven't moved on, and it's not because I'm not ready. I just haven't met the right person."

She cocks her head to the side, "But you were into me."

Buck nods, a small smile on his face. "I am. However, as we're both well aware, you aren't ready for a relationship, which is fine. But I'm not going to be forced to put myself out there when it's not what I want."

Indiana pointedly ignores that he said he was into her, present tense. "So, what? If we hadn't met at Athena's, you wouldn't have gone on a date with anyone else?"

He gives a single nod. "Yeah. I think that fate brought us together to help each other out, even if it's not in the way we both initially thought."

"Fate didn't bring us together," Indiana replies, because fate isn't real. "Clover did."

Buck's gaze trails to the armchair in the corner of the room, where Clover's fast asleep. He supposes that Indiana is right in some sense, but his inner hopeless romantic argues that fate played a hand.

"Anyway," he continues. "My team are still convinced that I'm hung up on Abby, and they aren't going to believe that I've moved on until I show them that I have, so I'll let them believe that I'm dating you. That's what I get out of this."

"And you're happy with that?" Indiana questions, and every part of her treacherous heart is screaming at her to shut this down while she still has the chance. There is no way that this ends well, for either of them.

Then Buck smiles at her, soft and gentle and so gorgeous it makes her ache, and says, "Couldn't be happier, sweetheart."

And Indiana is a goner before she has the chance to change her mind.