Into the Deep End

Sinking In The Deep End

"Yeah, ill be out in a bit" is all Felix managed to get out. His voice still cracked.

"Okay... im here for you..." the timid voice responded from outside the door. Felix muffled his cries as he washed off his wounds and bandaged them up. He was used to the routine by now. He crossed his arms to hide the blood on the sleeves and exited the bathroom.

"You need to talk about it...?" Chan was still outside the bathroom. Felix kept his head down and just shook his head.

"I just need to sleep. I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight" Felix went into his room quietly, not wanting to wake up his roomates who were fast asleep and grabbed a clean long sleeve from his closet. Placing the stained one in the dirty clothes pile with the sleeves hidden. He stashed away his box in its safe place and went under the covers with his reading light and his notebook.

Felix did not even have intensity in his cries. His tears felt empty and the pain was now dull but all over. He did something he had not done in a long time. He opened the notebook and poured his pain and feeling onto the page. His misery felt like a wave that he could not swim away from fast enough to avoid being pulled under. The title of his enty was Deep End.

Hyunjin was alone in his room, Chan and Minho were in the living room and Changbin was out with an old friend. He couldn't take it anymore. Felix hurt himself. Because of his words. He broke his promise to Hyunjin. Were they that far gone that he thought that Hyunjin wouldn't be there for him. No matter how angry Hyunjin was, he would never want Felix in pain. But Felix did it, and did not come to him.

Hyunjin went into a fit of rage and started throwing things around the room, once he ran out of breath his fell to the floor and sobbed.

"Hyunjin, open up. What's going on in there." Minho's voice barely resonated in the room. Hyunjin couldn't get up.

"Look you can't avoid me forever" the door slowly opened. Minho came in holding his key in his hand.

"What the hell happened in here?!" Minho's eyes widened in shock but softened when he saw the state of the boy on the floor. He rushed over to Hyunjin approaching him cautiously.

"He didn't keep his promise..." is all that Hyunjin could let out. Minho looked at him confused.

"What do y-" "It's not my place to tell but he didn't trust me. Who does he think I am? Am I that cold...?" Minho didn't have to know details to catch onto Hyunjin's sentiment.

"You are not cold... a little rough around the edges" he chuckled and nudged Hyunjin, causing the latter to let out a pained chuckle. "But you, Hwang Hyunjin are not cold. Give yourself more credit than that. You can only show people your intentions, if they choose not to accept your warmth then they are going to be cold, but you have opened up the warmth." Hyunjin sobbed as Minho pulled him into his chest. He was rarely like this but Minho's heart broke at the sight of his friend who rarely cried, let out everything.

Eventually Hyunjin was able to fall asleep, Minho carefully got up and fixed the room back up. The last thing Hyunjin needed was Changbin coming home and making a scene when he noticed the wreckage. Once he was finished he very gently walked out of the room and quietly shut the door behind him. Chan was sitting at the kitchen table, his hands folded and looking down at his feet.

"Where did I go wrong..?" Chan mumbled quietly.

"My goodness, am I going to have to be the cheerleader voice of reason for everyone around here?" Minho spoke up, stratling Chan in his seat and causing him to snap his head toward Minho, his eyes filled with tears.

"Felix won't let me in, he is struggling and he wont let me help him. He wont tell me what's going on. There was something off about him Minho, the spark that is in his eyes was gone... he looked.... empty" tears roled down Chan's face and Minho took the seat next to him.

"Chan, Felix will come to you when he's ready. He, and Hyunjin too, are so used to being each other's support people. They need to learn to accept the help the others. We can only be there to help pick up the pieces if they show us where they are. They know you love them and they know that they can trust you, just give them time." Minho looked into Chan's eyes. He looked exhausted from the turmoil.

"Go. Get some sleep, I will go check and see if Felix is sleeping." Minho went to get up but chan stopped him.

"I'll do it. You're right, I can't help until he is ready, but I can show him that I will be here when he is. Goodnight Minho, get some rest." Chan gave him a soft smile before getting up and softly knocking on Felix's door. Felix was not ready to burden Chan with his problems so turned off the light before the eldest could open the door. Felix closed his eyes until the heard the door shut again.

'Why can't I just let people in', 'why am I such a dependent person' 'why can't I be happy on my own' 'my sadness is only dragging people down' 'Chan didn't sign up for this' 'maybe it would be better if I were just... gone' the last thought circled into his head om repeat, he was not able to surpress the thought. He believed that he owed it to himself and others to stop the misery.

Once Felix did not hear a single noise and no more light emitted from the living room, he snuck his way out.

Felix got his hands on the bottle of pain meds that he was prescribed for his injury a couple months back, he wanted to continue dancing so he rarely took it. Without pausing he opened the cap and took the remaining pills, washing it down with water. He sat at the table and let the warmth and numbness take over his body. He basked in the lightness until he started to feel so tired that he dozed off.

Changbin returned home about 15 minutes later, tipsy from the drinks he had had with his friend. He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge for some cold water when the light illuminated Felix drooped over on the table. Changbin chuckled thinking Felix had fallen asleep.

"Hey sleepyhead" he nudged Felix. "Come on, you gotta get to bed" he shook Felix expecting him to jolt awake but nothing happened. Changbin noticed the open empty bottle of pills that he remembered still had quite a few remaining.

Changbin looked back at Felix and immediately sobered up. He can to his room and barged in, waking up the sleeping members.

"Dude ever heard of manners!" Minho glared at him.

"F-felix" is all he could let out before he ran back out and picked Felix up in his arms.

Chan, Hyunjin, and Minho all ran out with panic, stopping dead in their tracks when they saw Felix's limp body in Changbins arms. Hyunjin's heart dropped. He threw on a jacket and his house shoes and grabbed his keys, rushing out the door with Changbin behind him.

"Please stay here and keep an eye out on the others... let them know whats going on when they wake up." Minho nodded, wanting to go but understanding that as the second eldest this was his responsibility. When the others left Minho saw the empty pill bottle and the fridge that was left open. He dropped on his knees and just waited in agony. The words he said to Chan circling in his mind. "Whas there more we could have done?" He slouched over the table with his head in his hands and his phone right below him on the table, waiting for it to light up to let him know that everything was alright.