uh oh

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CW/TW- Disordered eating and harsh comments from relatives

I've recently just gotten out of an inpatient program for eating disorder recovery. i didn't finish it, so i have to do an online thing as well since i live a few hours away. its been a major setback for me and my life in so many ways that i couldn't have even imagined. one of then being that it gave me lots of motivation to write. this is old and i wrote it, probably 3 years ago now. but it still feels so true now, that i feel like it'll be interesting.



the empty plate sits in front
staring right ahead

I'm not worried where the calories will go

i take a thoughtful serving, on the smaller side
Careful eating like that
I know I need to have more, but I can't bring myself to do it
It'll catch up to you soon
I hope it starts to work soon, because I am working overtime
you better start running or something
I need to sit around more, I can't keep being so restless
believe it or not, just look at us
except i can't have babies of my own blood
it runs in our family
What? the addiction? or the overweight side effects?
all of it, it'll come to you in time my dear
it feels like a curse, not the genetics, but my hearse

it waits for me outside, waiting for the day that I die

i wait for the day that I wither away, away from the suffocating pain of today
I better start that new diet tomorrow
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, they say, are the most important dates
you'll never get a date like that, i was lucky i found your dad
everything here is toxic, the stones that crush my bones to bits, the grit that sands my image down to nothing but thin twigs

straight to my hips
ill keep track with pics
i have so much extra bits
but i still have no tits

not enough meat on my bones
honey are you okay?
it's all your fault you look like this though
but you made me this way

you've set me up for failure
in trying to save me
look how pale you're-
i know, i also hate me

how is it that I want to be better
have you prepared me, got me all set or-
i think something might've gone wrong
but it surely couldn't have been my song


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