Puberty 2

twenty years tryna fill the void

just a fair warning, there is smut in this. its denoted by * and is the last section of the chapter in case you didn't want to read it! i hope yall enjoy :) .
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The pandemic was a lot of things.

It was isolating. It was suffocating. It was hell on Earth.

But for an introvert like Taylor? It was perfect. A sanctuary away from the loud and bustling life of touring. The way it tore into Taylor's anxiety-ridden heart was something most people could never understand, especially when you took into account how much Taylor loved performing.

It was just hard, considering Taylor's biggest secret could be the one thing that would end everything the band had built up together.

Taylor tried everything. Tried growing beards out, tried shaving off all the curls, tried the button-downs and skinny jeans—Not to say the skinny jeans and button-down combo wasn't man's greatest creation, but it was all just a ruse for Taylor. One that had to be maintained or else.

But there was something about being alone, not having to hide, and just being yourself in peace.

It started with skirts. Something slipped from Hayley's closet while they were on tour.

"Someone must've just lost it in between loads" It was a quick and easy lie. Hayley never questioned it.

It's been easier since they moved in together, simply taking out clothes and putting them back. They might've been short, but Taylor will take whatever's available.

Slipping the fabric on makes Taylor think of how much better shaved legs would feel, but the thought of doing something so obviously feminine just sets off alarm bells. It wasn't a risk Taylor was willing to make.

Regardless, Taylor pulls the skirt on. It was big on Hayley, so it was around mid-thigh on Taylor. But the feeling of the fabric flowing so freely was incredible.

The look of it in the mirror made Taylor lightheaded, a rush running through veins. Maybe Taylor's legs were thick with muscle. Too masculine for Taylor's liking, but the sight of the skirt? Fuck, Taylor couldn't even believe it. It was like being told that you've done a good job by your parents. Like when you've cooked something for yourself for the first time and it actually tastes good.

That's all to say. She felt wonderful looking at herself in the mirror.

Taylor flattens her skirt, turning her body to get a side view. It didn't matter how many times she'd done this; it made her heart pound every time.

She knew it was bad to be hiding something this big, but it was reasonable; this could destroy her life, tearing down the walls of the sanctuary she'd spent years building. Coming out wasn't a choice.

No matter how badly she wanted to.

She snaps a photo of herself in the mirror before moving to lie down on the bed, burying herself into Hayley's side. She wasn't sure when Hayley would be home, but she was gonna take advantage of this time.

And by 'take advantage,' she means cuddling with Hayley's pillows and missing her girlfriend. Sure, it's silly, but dammit, she loved that girl and wanted nothing more than to love her as her true self.

It's the most comforting place in the world, smelling exactly like Hayley, soft, just like her. Taylor just wants to spend the rest of her days right here.

She isn't sure when she falls asleep. She tries not to, especially on days like these when she's exploring herself. So, when she wakes up, and it's dark outside, and Hayley's bag is in the room when it wasn't before, she's terrified. It's not like she was under the covers. If Hayley was here and came in, there's no way she couldn't have seen her.