Blur memories

22

Hoshi:
You have some fashion sense. then use it in your life. It makes you attractive.

Jeonghan:
You're in no place to tell me that when you yourself always wear tiger onesie.  Shall we go now?

(Hoshi rolled his eyes and walk out of the house.)

Hoshi:
Okay.

[Hoshi dropped Jeonghan off at Joshua's place while he stayed outside waiting for Jeonghan. Jeonghan takes a deep breath and nervously presses the doorbell.

After waiting for a minute, he found messy Joshua with a tooth brush in his mouth. When he saw Jeonghan, he closed the door on his face, which shocked him. By the noises coming from inside, Jeonghan could tell that Joshua was trying to clean his house and face too.]

Jeonghan:
What a nice way to welcome someone who just came out of the hospital.

[Jeonghan said it loud enough for Joshua to hear. Suddenly, the door opens.]

Joshua:
Sorry about that. It's just that I didn't expect any guests today. You suddenly show up in front of my house.

Jeonghan:
It's alright. I can tell otherwise. Actually, it is my fault. I should've called you before I showed up all of a sudden.

[Jeonghan said while removing toothpaste from Joshua's lips, and Joshua became a blushing mess.] 

Jeonghan:
Can I come in now?

Joshua:
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Please come in. Have a seat.

Jeonghan:
Thanks! It's for you.

[Jeonghan gave Joshua a box of White chocolate, and a smile appeared on Joshua's face.]

Joshua:
Thank you so much. You shouldn't have to; you just came out of the hospital. I'm sorry I didn't visit you again. I was just busy with work.

Jeonghan:
It's okay. Someone told me that you like these chocolates. I thought maybe, like this, your anger would calm down. Other than that, I haven't seen you for a while now, so I came to meet you as soon as I got out of that prison, so I could say what I wanted to tell you for a long time.

Joshua:
I'm not angry with you. Why would I?

[The last word came out as a whisper from Joshua's mouth.]

Jeonghan:
Then... why didn't you give me the material file by yourself? If you couldn't come to visit me because of work, then why didn't you call even once? If it's not because of anger, then what should I take it as?

[Joshua didn't say anything; he started fidgetting with his fingers, then spoke.]

Joshua:
Then tell me. What wrong did you do to make me angry at you? Obviously, I don't get mad at you for no reason. Right? 

[Joshua's voice was as cold as ice. Jeonghan, just hold Joshua's hand tightly and look at his face.]

Jeonghan:
I..... *sigh* I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying that; that kiss was a mistake when I already knew about your feelings for me. I'm sorry that I realised my feelings so late. I'm sorry that it took me a month to say that I like you no actually, I love you.

[A tear escaped from Joshua's eye, and he looked into Jeonghan's eyes.]

Joshua:
How I wish all of this were true. How I wish that you never thought that that kiss was a mistake. And your apology never took me to the point .....where I couldn't believe you anymore.

[Jeonghan's eyes opened wide because this wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. But again, how can he expect any less from the younger? After saying such things, how can Joshua jump on him while hugging him and tell him that he loves him too?]

Joshua:
You're right. I love you. I still love you. But what about you? Do you really love me? How can I trust you after knowing that you loved someone and never moved on from him? How should I make sure that you're not just using me to get rid of your first love feelings? How can I believe that I'm not just a substitute?

[Jeonghan looks at Joshua in disbelief. Like he was asking, "How did Joshua know about his first love?" And like Joshua, hear his thoughts.]

Joshua:
That day when you tell Wonwoo Hyung about how you can never like someone because you already have someone in your heart I hear that. I heard every word you said that day. I will never forget your voice or your words from that day.

Jeonghan:
Joshua Please believe me. I really love you.

Joshua:
Just go, Hyung. I don't know if whatever you're saying is the truth or a lie anymore. You're so complicated, Hyung. At first, you treat me like I'm nothing but a friend, and the next moment, you act like your whole life depends on me. You yourself don't know what you really want. Be confident first, Hyung.

Jeonghan:
Joshua, listen to me.

Joshua:
Just go, Hyung. Don't waste my time anymore.

[With that said, Joshua ran into his room and left Jeonghan alone in the living room, crying. Jeonghan knocked on his door, but he didn't open.]

Jeonghan:
I... I don't know if you're ever going to believe me or not, but I just want to say I love you. I really do; it doesn't matter if it's one month or one year. I will always love you. It's true that I loved someone before, and there was a time when I didn't want to move on, but you made it happen.

After you came into my life, I never thought about him again. The only thought I have is that I have to go to the office because Joshua is waiting for me there. I have to go to work so I can spend another day with Joshua. I'll go to the office, and there I'll meet Joshua. I can go out for lunch with him while looking at his precious smile. You may think I'm lying, but since the day you left, I've never found work interesting anymore. I just go there and try to keep myself busy with loads of work, but every single thing led me to you. I start to think about you no matter what I do. In my office, everything reminds me of you. I accept that I cover up my feelings every time by saying that I just depend on you too much, but the truth is that I love you so much.

I love you so much that it scared me. I was scared. What if I lose you? I was scared that you'd leave me one day. I love you, Joshua. Even if you think of it as a fling or an experiment for me to move on, in all this, I know only one thing, and that is I LOVE YOU. I can wait for you my whole life if that's what it takes to get your trust back. I can wait for you for eternity if that's what it takes to give me MY  Joshua back.

[Joshua didn't say anything. Jeonghan decided to leave Joshua's apartment and give him some time to think. He saw his brother's car and sat inside without saying anything. When Hoshi saw his brother crying, he didn't ask anything; all he did was give Jeonghan comfort so he could calm down.]