The Gay Delusion

19: The Gay Delusion

That day, he had been on his way out for lunch, having grabbed his wallet and his umbrella as he started heading out of the office. Spotting him making his way out at around midday, I had been glancing at him over the duration of that morning, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on him and suggest that he come out on a double date with me and Nova. Griffin had caught my eye a couple of times when I glimpsed over at him, shooting me a curious look before turning away silently, and going back to what he was doing every time it happened.

I knew I had been coming across as a massive weirdo, but I didn't care. I was a woman on a mission, and I refused to let this mission be a failure.

Like I had later told Nova, I couldn't stop thinking about how this was probably my only chance to legitimately patch things up with him -to be his friend again. Just being his friend would be enough, this time round, and I promised myself that I wouldn't mess it up.

There had been a Griffin-shaped hole in my life recently, and it was making me go batty. My thoughts were constantly straying towards him, the inability to focus on doing normal things - like peeing, for goodness' sake - because all I could focus on was him, destroying me.

But with this double date, I mostly wanted it to be easier for him; by seeing me with Nova, and having it reaffirmed that I one-hundred percent didn't swing his way (which I obviously did), I wanted him to feel that there was absolutely no chance of us working out, so he could get over his half of the attraction. And then I would hope that in time, mine would fade too.

I had this all worked out - all I needed was for him to just say yes.

Griffin had immediately stopped and turned around at the sound of his name, his eyebrows rising in surprise when he saw that it was me sprinting towards him. After he had saved my neck and printed out my report, we hadn't exchanged a word. But that was about to change now.

'Hi,' I said a little breathlessly once I reached him, stopping and standing a couple of feet away. It was an awkward distance - a little too far to be considered close enough by normal standards of social etiquette, but any closer and it would have made things even weirder between us than they already were.

'Hey,' Griffin replied. He gave me the same long, curious look he had given me during other parts of the day - like he was hoping that by staring at me for long enough, he would maybe begin to understand me better.

Silence followed his response, the both of us simply standing and staring at each other. My stomach was in knots, clenching and almost painful as breathing became just a little difficult. Eventually I realised that Griffin was waiting for me to say something first, since I was the one chasing after him.

'Hi,' I said again, internally smacking my own arm for repeating myself.

A small smile appeared on his face, not quite reaching his eyes, but it was gone just as quickly as it had arrived. 'I think you might have said that already,' Griffin said lightly, head tilting to the side a little as he continued to survey me. I wished he would stop gazing at me - I felt completely naked under his stare.

I nodded awkwardly, glancing at the white walls around me before turning back to look at him studying me. 'Right. Yeah, I know. Sorry,' I apologised.

'That's all right,' he said. His eyes raked over my face once more, before he finally asked, 'Is there anything I can help you with?'

So formal. He had been so bloody formal that it practically caused me physical pain.

'Actually,' I started, having to stop in order to let out a slightly hysterical, nervous laugh as I suddenly remembered and fully registered what I was doing. My traitorous mind recalled Nova's baffled face in the rush of the moment. Griffin gave me a strange look (he probably thought I was on something - quite frankly, even I would have thought I was half-baked if I were a stranger looking at me, especially judging by the way I was acting), which I ignored as I composed myself and took in a deep, shuddering breath.