Hidden Within Kingdom

Fearful to grateful

It's been a long time since I've seen my parents, but I know my father is dead. Xin and I were brought here together, though it wouldn't have happened at all if he hadn't spoken up for me. I did my best to keep my hair short like my dad did the last time I saw him, and I still don't speak to anyone, which is why Xin had to defend me in the first place when I was brought to Li Dian. I was almost beaten to death because not answering those who now care for us is considered a great insult.

Every time I was required to speak, Xin would start speaking for me and I found myself so grateful but scared as well. I often followed closely after him, finding ways, if there were any, to keep him out of trouble. When we met Piao, he seemed so cold at first. I grew to greatly respect him but had no significant way of showing that since Xin was the one who was constantly in trouble instead of Piao. Both of them had a habit of going out to practice sword fighting. I made sure to bring necessary items on these fights. There was no way I was going to stay behind, but they both laughed when they handed me a third wooden sword and I couldn't lift it.

I felt such sadness and shame as I stared down at my feet as I walked to sit nearby in the grass. I kept my pack of foraged food and cloth just in case they got hurt or hungry.

I've lost my family. I know that now. If they were ever hurt because I was powerless, I would never forgive myself.

I made sure to do other things that would strengthen my arms, going off on my own as often as possible to practice what I had seen them do thousands of times. I started small and gradually picked up the weight before working on speed. I always go to the same place to practice. An extremely wooded area so that I could be well hidden. I would take off my bulky overcoat and practice for as long as I could get away with. It was near a small pond that I would look into when I came here. I sat in front of the water and stared at myself.

Why am I getting bigger in some places but not everywhere? This is getting harder to hide...

I thought back on how we had all grown. Both of them have grown well, but that knowledge fills me with strange feelings. I'm 14 now and it's getting much harder to hide more than just my body now. Cutting my hair does almost nothing alone. I've had to put bulkier clothing on with each year, but then I feel embarrassed around Xin and Piao. I don't understand why something so silly would bother me.

I miss my mother. She would know what to do... I did my best to never forget what my mother told me. She walked with grace I couldn't comprehend but she was so beautiful. I look like a demon or worse.

I miss being pretty...I wonder if they would hate me if they saw me pretty instead of ugly...a girl who lied instead of a fellow servant boy.

I would step in when Xin would be at risk of getting into trouble as a way of paying him back for how much he helped me. Seeing him get a beating the first time because he cooked something less than desirable broke my heart, even though I knew it really did taste awful, but I knew offering to assist wouldn't work out very well. He is a very proud boy and I do not wish to bring him shame, but at the same time, I don't want to keep seeing him bruised and bloodied.

It's one thing if it's from practicing with Piao, because at least I know that way is safer. Piao would never kill him. They are both honorable.

Even though it's still ridiculously dangerous. They truly do move like heroes already.

So instead of offering to cook in his place, I simply hovered around while he cooked and when he walked away for even a moment, I would quickly add seasonings and whatever else I could so it wouldn't be a bad meal.

I have to taste it to make sure it's improving but IT'S SO GROSS!! How can anyone cook so badly? Does this even count as cooking at all????

I worked on adjusting his cooking to the best of my ability, slicing extra herbs as fast as I could to balance the horrible flavor of whatever he did, when I was surprised to hear the voice of our friend Piao only a few steps behind me.

"You should be careful not to get caught." His eyes were firm, and even though I knew from experience he was trustworthy, it felt as though he knew everything about my secret. It filled me with such anxiety that I couldn't look him in the face.

He and Xin would hate me forever if they knew this whole time I'm a girl! They're the closest thing I have to a family now and if I lose them because of this, I'll never forgive myself!

But he simply clapped me on the shoulder and smiled. "You're going to have to do much better when you're older."

Better....at what???

"Yeah! You gotta learn to be strong enough to fight instead of being so wimpy." Xin walked in with a smirk and looked between Piao and I before walking past us to get the pot of stew. "I think my cooking has gotten much better!"

I looked down at my feet as Xin walked out, leaving Piao with me.

If he knows....I thought he was my friend....but will he tell?

Piao suddenly burst into laughter. I looked up at him with confusion, but he just jerked his thumb in the direction of Xin. "Poor guy will never live it down if he knows his cooking still sucks!" My eyes widened and for a moment, I thought it was only my imagination. "One day, Xin and I will have a huge palace with tons of servants, food, and anything we need."

I smiled softly.

It isn't like I ever expected them to include me. I still wish them the best, but I'm not worth much. At least they can fight. All I can really do is cook because that's the only thing that's safe for me.

"I'll make sure you have your own room, too. Ya know," I looked at him as he began to walk away, but he stopped and smiled at me. "Since a girl needs her own space!"

My heart began to scream in fear, but he never stopped smiling and I felt myself begin to calm down.

I smiled as I followed him out to go eat with Xin.

He really is...my friend!