The Fearless Princess (Forgotten Royals)

Chapter Nineteen

I didn't care.

I spotted him a distance away, standing in the damp garden. Rare hesitation caught me and I wondered if I was taking the right course. Doubts frustrated me, so I forced myself forward. My slipper caught on something in the muddy ground and as I struggled to free it, I tripped and fell like a jackass. My priceless surcoat was ruined and my cheeks burned.

"My lady?"

I stifled a groan. Of course, Enguerrand had to witness my ridiculous fall. "All is well. I'm practicing to be the fool of the court."

"You could never be a fool, my lady." Soft footsteps approached me. "May I help you?"

I would have preferred to bury myself in the earth at that moment, but I let him take my hands and hoist me up. The courtly contact brought back memories of a hot summer night when his hands were all over my body. Rather than let myself get swept up by memories, I pulled away.

"Thank you, my lord," I said in a stiff voice. "Now I must leave and see if this surcoat could be salvaged."

A flimsy excuse. I intended to have it torn up for rags. I didn't like wearing mourning. It would be ideal if I never needed it again, though I knew soon I would lose another sister.

"Must you leave?" His shoulders slumped. "I was hoping to speak with you."

"Now is hardly the time, my lord." I brushed back my damp hair. "I'm filthy."

"I won't keep you," he said. "I only wanted to know how you are faring."

I have him the false smile I had perfected for the court. "I am always quite well, my lord."

His forehead creased. "You needn't pretend with me, my lady."

"It is quite a bold thing to think I am putting on an act," I said.

"You've lost a lot."

I lifted my chin. "Haven't we all?"

"That doesn't make it easier," he said in a gentle voice. "I know how much your family means to you."

"This isn't the first sister I lost." I clenched my hand. "I trust she is in Heaven."

"Of course she is," he said. "That doesn't make it any easier for those who remain on Earth."

I swallowed and tried to fight the emotions that were welling in me. "Harder for my parents. Mary was their good daughter."

"They still have you," he said in a gentle voice.

"I'm sure they count their blessings." Anger slipped past my fortifications. "Their extravagant daughter. The one who does nothing but cost them. The one who destroyed any chance of a good marriage."

He stepped forward. "Your parents show much care for their children. They would never think that way."

"How could they not?" A bitter laugh escaped me. "I know what the court whispers when I walk past. I know what my mother's ladies think of me. I'm the unwanted princess. The good ones are gone."

"You are not unwanted," he said with intensity.

"But I'm not good enough." I closed my eyes, seeing the day I walked away from marriage with the greatest people in England as my audience. "I never wanted to be."

"Would you change that now?" he asked.

Even now, I knew I would make the same choice. If I had gone through with the wedding, I wouldn't have been there for Mary's last days. But I had to accept that I would always be seen as a scandal. I opened my eyes and clenched my jaw. "People would think better of me."

"I wouldn't," he said.

My stomach twisted at his words. So few thought anything decent about me.

"Don't go down this path, my lady." He dipped his head and heaved a sigh. "Sometimes I think I am not good enough. My father died when I was six at Crécy. He fell a hero for his king. His honor will be remembered forever. I wanted to live up to the name of Coucy. A warrior like him. Instead, I've found myself a prisoner of England and known only for being a charming young man."

The bitterness made me wince. "You are here in place for your king. There is nothing more honorable."

"It doesn't feel that way." He looked up with a joyless smile. "It feels like I'm going to become a wastrel. All I can do here at court is dance and gamble away all my time. I've been here for a year. Far from my home."

I flinched. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said. "These things are out of your hands and mine. I understand how you feel because I live with it every day. I live in the shadow of my father. I have the pain of his loss and my mother's loss and the feeling that I am letting them both down."

"The pain never goes away, does it?" I murmured.

"No." He shook his head. "I am sorry you have to live with it."

His earnest words rocked me. He had no reason to care so much about me. I blinked, afraid I would start crying like a fool.

"You should give yourself more credit." I swallowed a sob. "Not only have you honor, but you are kind."

Too kind to the princess whose family stood in the way of his freedom.

"Thank you." He inched over to me as if he wanted to take my hand. "You have been a good friend to me."

But I couldn't be what he wanted.

I leaned close to him, so close that our lips almost brushed. Even if I couldn't be what he wanted, I could be there for him.

I hoped we weren't making a mistake.