Crush/Boyfriend Imagines

occasional sex nights 2 (requested)

because as much as you loved him in more than just a friendly way, you two had been friends for ages, had experienced so much together, went through tough and happy times, cried and laughed, survived teenagehood and made it through high school into universities with your mutual encouragement to one another. you had been standing by his side just as he had been by yours for as long as you could remember.

actually, weren't you the one who betrayed your friendship by falling in love?

once again, you cursed your heart. loathed it for choosing the person it chose to love. where was the fairness?

the whirlwind of thoughts was cut off by a phone ringing.

hastily, you scrambled up from the floor, splashing water on your tears stained cheeks and went to pick up the phone. your hand was still trembling.

the other line was quiet for a few seconds, but you instantly knew who it was - you hadn't looked at the caller's id, but you could tell from the way the person on the other line breathed that it was c/n. the grip on your phone tightened.

"hey, did you get home safely?" his voice sounded in your ears.

stop doing that, you silently wished in your head. stop acting like you care! don't give me false hope!

"y/n? are you still there?" he questioned after you did not answer for more than a minute. taking a shaky breath, you nodded, then realized he couldn't see. managing to open your mouth, you uttered a sound of agreement, reassurance.

"yeah, i did."

"are you okay?" he wasn't used to your curt replies - usually, you were one to talk much, even if pretending hurt you.

"yeah," you lied. then, after a set of inhales and exhales, "actually, no. i- we need to talk," stumbling upon your words, you whispered the last part, losing the sudden wave of strength which swept past. "right now," you felt yourself saying at last, but your voice sounded as if from a distance - like you were merely a spectator watching the scene unfold from the side, not the actress reciting the words.

"i'll come over," c/n said, although his voice, too, sounded small, being uttered from far away and barely reaching your ears. the line on the other side clicked, he ended the call.

calm down, y/n, you kept telling yourself, feeling your rapid heartbeat, pulse quickening.

how long before he gets here? maybe i can still run away, pretend nothing has ever happened, you wondered.

no. i can't keep running away anymore. it's not fair to c/n. not fair to me, another voice in the back of your mind replied. like there were the persons within you - one, who craved to finally tell c/n the truth and the other one, who was terrified of ever admitting it to him.

you must've been thinking about it for more than you realized, because suddenly, the bell rang through the silent apartment, making you flinch and your anxious thoughts retreat.

there was no turning back anymore.

"what's up?" c/n greets with a slight smile as you open the door with a shaking hand, trying to ignore the nausea you were feeling. how your stomach twisted and turned.

you gulped, let him inside. his smile faltered, got replaced by an expression of worry after not seeing you smile back. "is something wrong?"

you closed the door, leaning yourself against it. as if shielding it from c/n, if he wanted to run away after hearing your confession - it was your feeble attempt of forcing him to stay, even though you knew he could push you away so easily. "i like you."

he was looking at you incredulously. "what?"

you shook your head. "actually, i don't."

there was relief in his eyes, but it lasted only a fleeting moment - the look of incredibility was back after hearing your next words.

"i love you."

had you actually said that? everything felt like through a haze, a dream fog. you weren't sure whether this was reality, your head spinning, tasting bile in your mouth.

there was a glaze of emotional you could not decipher in his eyes. "this wasn't the deal," was all he said.

your heart sank down. yes, you knew he did not like you back, love you the same way. but did you still hope he'd say it back? yes. but the lack of confession on his part crushed your spirits completely and you had definitely lost what little hope was left.

"we should stop," he continued. he didn't say what you two needed to stop, but you understood.

"no. please, no," you croaked, voice hoarse. tears were brimming in your eyes, blurring your gaze. sobs were threatening to leave your mouth.

"you know i can't return those feelings." for a while, it seemed as if his eyes softened. as if he felt sorry for you. "we need to put an end to this."

"can't you at least try?" you begged, losing your self control totally. you let the sobs escape your mouth, cried in front of him.

you must've looked stupid, you realized. pathetically crying over a boy you could not have. but the harder you tried to prevent yourself from crying, the harder you actually cried, your whole body shaking with each sob.

"y/n, i can't. you know that."

you hated it. you hated what he had just said, how he worded it. like he was accusing you, like it was your intention, your fault and only you to blame for it.

you couldn't bring yourself to reply to him.

"we need to stop seeing each other."

your eyes shot open. "what? can't we-" you took a deep breath to steady yourself, regain your voice through the crying, "can't we remain friends, at least? we've been friends for ages and-"

he cut you off, "how do you expect us to be friends now? can you even imagine it?" again, that accusatory tone. like he was the only victim, like you had just wronged him greatly. as if you weren't suffering.

"please, i can't lose you."

"you should've thought about it before falling in love with me."

it was like an arrow shot right into the middle of your heart. suddenly, anger flooded your veins. "do you think i'm enjoying this? do you think i wanted to fall in love with you?"

he flinched at your unexpected outburst.

"do you think this is easy for me? each night we spent together, i hoped something will change and there would be more to us than just friends with benefits. and then, when i wake up and i don't see you there, the reality dawns on me and i know i can never have you - do you think that is what i want? do you think i like this all, like hiding my feelings because it means that that way, sacrificing my desires, i can feel at least a little close to you, pretend we're a real couple? do you think i like this, feeling so miserable after waking up in your sheets and-"

"then, you should've never agreed to it in the first place," he retorted harshly. and, just like that, he was out of your life, only the loud thud of the door being closed ringing in your ears.