L x Reader oneshots 1 // series 3 • Death Note

Panic

TW: mentions of abuse and trauma.

The word panic comes from the Greek god Pan, who was said to yell in the woods and scare people into a state of madness. Panic, was a sense of fear or discomfort that's sent a person into a state of near madness.

A panic attack is defined as a sudden episode of intense fear or anxiety and physical symptoms, based on a perceived threat rather than imminent danger. They can be caused by many disorders, but in L's case it was PTSD. Although with how calm and monotonous he usually was, you'd not expect him to be reduced to a state of panic like that. He always seemed to know what to do, he was always in check with his mind and his actions. Until trauma came up. He wanted to keep his personal life and identity as hidden as possible as an anonymous detective, so he kept his diagnosis and symptoms as under wraps as he could. To the taskforce he was just a kind of strange and very smart guy. In reality he was chock full of mental illnesses.

You knew though, you found out completely by accident.

Waking up ridiculously thirsty one night you went downstairs to get some ice cold water, when you're tired and dehydrated that shit tastes like ambrosia of the gods. But you ended up met with a distressed L, hand on his racing heart, hyperventilating and teary eyed. At first you though 'oh god, Kira got him', that he was having a heart attack. But when he didn't drop dead and was still very much alive but completely disoriented you realised what was going on, and jumped into therapy mode.

Being a detective yourself you'd seen many types of panic in victims as they've been attacked, or people realising their loved one is missing. So you knew a thing or two about how to calm a person down, you didn't know the trigger though. After some guess work and getting him calmed down, you managed to pry him open. At first he was defensive, saying he was fine and he just had a moment of weakness. But you saw right through that lie, you swore up and down you keep everything a secret and be finally caved.

There were certain cases he couldn't work on because they were too triggering, mainly cases involving child abuse. But sometimes while he was sitting through case files people have sent him to look over, such abuse will show up and everything that he went through would come flooding back. Worst case scenario it ended in a flashback, but it was mostly panic attacks.

Rather than the screaming and crying kind, he would get the shaking and hyperventilating kind. The run and hide rather than stay and fight kind. Tunnel vision, disassociating, chest pain. Not fun.

From that night forward, you and L had an unspoken connection. You cared about him, he was grateful to you. You checked up on him, he made sure you were ok in return. You defused situations that could be triggering, he treated you softer and kinder than anyone else. It saddened you to know what he had to go through, but it was also quite amazing that despite that, he was now the worlds greatest detective. He should be proud of that, you were proud of him.

Tonight was a bit different though, your relationship had grown close enough that L felt he could come to you at any time. You made it clear he could, but until now he never did. You woke up to feeling someone shaking your arm, taking a moment to fully come to you rubbed your eyes and blinked through the darkness.

"Wh- L?" You muttered.

"I'm sorry, I just... I need you to ground me or I'm going to spiral-" he said, voice shaky and on the verge of tears.

"Oh fu- yeah, come sit"

You sat up, taking his arms and giving him a tight reassuring squeeze.

"Breathe honey, breathe. Just listen to my voice and focus on my touch. What happened?" You asked.

"Case file- no trigger warning..." he replied.

"Fucking bastards, you always put trigger warnings on graphic cases..."

You caressed his cheeks, making him look up at you and ran a hand through his hair, giving him some form of sensory perception to focus on. If he was on the edge of an attack, you needed to pull him away from that edge.

"Don't think about it, just listen to me. Feel my touch" you said.

He nodded, taking a shaky breath to try and steady his racing heart.

"Tell me something you can feel, actually make that three" you said.

"Uh... you, the blankets and um... the cold" he replied.

"Good, now things you can see"

"You... again. The bed... the cats on your pyjamas"

"Now something you can smell"

He paused for a moment, searching for something in his senses. Most of the time the air didn't smell like anything in this building. Unless something was cooking.

"Uh... you. That spray you always use" he replied.

"That'd be vanilla and cinnamon you're smelling. Now what can you hear?"

"You... talking to me" he said.

You cracked a slight smile, the fact you were the first answer to everything told you that he was focused on you and you only. That he was blocking out the adrenaline and grounding on you.

"Pretty focused on me huh? You'll be alright L, just breathe" you said, holding him by the shoulders.

Much calmer, he found himself still focused on you and your comforting touch. His heart calming, his breath steadying. You'd just pulled him away from a real breakdown there.

"Thank you... sorry for... waking you" he sighed.

"Hey, it's alright. I told you that you could come to me whenever and I stand by that. Better than breaking down" you replied.

"And thank you for... keeping all this from the taskforce"

"I get it, just don't push yourself ok? Your well-being is more important than some case"

He cracked a smile, he seemed exhausted. Not just from being awake the past few days doing endless work but emotionally too. You pulled him into a hug, at first he stiffened not expecting it, but craving contact comfort he eased into it and snuggled into your chest.

"You're so warm..." he muttered.

"You're so cold, get in bed" you said.

"W-wait, really?"

"Yes, you'll freeze. Get in"

Pulling the blankets back, you let him slip under and warm up. Keeping him locked in your arms and your hands gently rubbing his back. If it wasn't so dark, you'd see how red his face was right now.

"You need rest... stay here. I don't mind" you said.

"You... sure?" He asked.

"Positive"

Usually he'd protest to rest while there was work to be done, but being so emotionally exhumed and really craving comfort after being so close to a full blown panic attack, he gave in and stayed. He knew that he liked you more than the others, and trusted you more too. But it was only now, as he lay drowsy and coming off an adrenaline high in your arms did it really hit him.

He was in love with you. And it seemed like you might not be too opposed to that.