HEAVY TW
If I ever write a suicide note, it would be like this one.
Last night, you got me scared. My thoughts were spinning and I couldn't sleep because all that was going through my head was how much better life would be for you if I was gone. Your words practically scream that. I was thinking about overdosing when we got home. I was considering running out of the hotel barefoot until I reached the river and drowning my tears into something bigger.
I know I mess up all the time. But why do you have to make it seem like it's my fault?
Do you remember when I first came to you about feeling lost? I wanted to rid the negativity in my head but you didn't care. Why did you pretend my emotions were fantasy? I tried to fix myself, but because of you, I'm a monster now. I have no self-control, no compassion, and no sympathy.
I have no love for myself because you have no love for me.
You don't have to keep reminding me how much you hate my existence. Trust me, I hate me too. But you made me like this. And I heard you last night when you explained to her what I did three years ago. For some reason, I didn't think you remembered how I told the therapist lies and got the child protective services to interrogate you and father at home. Of course you remember that. You'll never forget it.
I swear, I didn't mean it. When the CPS came, you forced us to lie about what was happening at home. Your words and father's hands may have shattered me to pieces, but still, it wouldn't be enough to get you arrested. That's why I told the therapist a stretched truth about what had been happening.
All of that wouldn't have happened if you only loved me. You could've at least given me support when I needed it, but now, I don't want your love anymore.
It's a sin to commit suicide, but God would understand, right? Everyone hates me. Lord, I keep ruining the lives of everyone I love and I feel it's more un-Christian to be alive than dead.
I'm not dead right now.
I hate myself so much. When I do end things for real, you'll be sorry. Even after I get revenge, I never feel like I'm winning. So maybe you'll feel the loss when I do it. I don't care if you think I'm a coward.
What's your problem? It's hard enough trying to live up to your expectations, and it's impossible to do it when no one in the entire world loves you. How have I survived this long? I'm going to do it when you're least expecting and won't be able to save me.
If you think that I hate you, you're wrong. I don't know how I got into this mess, but you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.
