Fall Apart- R.J.L

Spill

"Teddy, Teddy! TEDDY WAKE UP!"

"FUCK!" She awoke with a start. Sweat pouring down her forehead and tears down her cheeks.
"Shhh, shhh it's okay, it's okay it was just a dream. You're okay. You're alright. I'm here, I'm here. You're okay, you're safe." Remus rubbed circles on her back to try and soothe her as she sat breathing raggedly, tears still spilling from her eyes and terror imprinted on her face.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" He said in a calm, hushed tone.
She closed her eyes and tried to find the words. So many things. So many terrible things. How could she burden him with them all?
"Just a bad dream." She whispered, trying to stop her voice from trembling as she spoke.
"Okay, it's okay. It wasn't real teddy, you're here. You're safe, I'll always keep you safe darling."
It wasn't real. It wasn't real? Except it was. It was real. It was twisted, like looking at the memories through a warped mirror. But they were real. She wasn't safe. She could never be safe. Not truly. How could he promise that when he didn't know what happened? How could he know? She never told him...

"It was real."
"What? What do you mean, Teddy it was just a nightmare. I promise nothing bad is going to happen."
"The dream...it wasn't really a dream, more like a-a memory." She stared at her hands as she spoke, twisting her fingers around themselves to distract herself.
"What- what happened Teddy?" He spoke gently, like he didn't want to break her.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She had to tell him. He needed to know who she really was. It was time.

"When I was little, my uncle he um- he hurt me."
"Oh Teddy, I'm so-"
"Just, just let me say it okay. Let me say everything and then- then you can speak. I just need to get it out."
"Alright." He nodded and continued rubbing comforting circles on her back.

"He was really nice to me for a while. He used to buy me gifts and take me out for ice cream. I thought he really loved me. I thought I loved him, but...when I was only ten when is started, he- he started to, do things. He'd touch me. At first it wasn't too bad but eventually it got worse and worse. I tried to make him stop, I screamed and cried and begged him. He told me I deserved it, that I was asking for it, that it was all I was good for. I didn't really know what was happening at the time. I didn't know what it was. I was eleven when he did it.
When I tried to tell my father what my uncle had done to me he called me a disgrace and a liar. He told me I was just looking for attention. He...he hit me, he beat me with his cane and then," she burst into another flood of tears.
"He used the cruciatus curse on me. Over and over again until I would just lay there and beg for death to come. When I came to Hogwarts, it was such an escape. I was finally free of him, free of that horrible family. When I went home for the holidays it was awful again but I ran away eventually and at least Hogwarts was always safe, until....
Until Mulciber."

"Mulciber?" Remus whispered and she could hear the pain in his voice, she knew from the sounds of his sniffles that he was crying but she couldn't bare to look at him. He could never see her the same and she couldn't bare to see his perfect image of her shatter.
"He....The night of your birthday he had drugs. I asked him for some and he said yes but that we had to do it somewhere privately. I was stupid and drunk and wearing a slutty little outfit and I followed him. I followed him into that bedroom. I sat on the bed beside him. I got high with him and I couldn't...I couldn't stop him when he," she took a breath and tried to get it out, the word she couldn't bear to say.
"Remus he, I think he...he raped me."

"Fuck." Remus said and his voice cracked as he broke down beside her, his hands covering his face as he sobbed.
"I'm so sorry Remus, I'm so so sorry."
She touched his arm gently and he finally dropped his hands and their eyes met. Both full of pain.
"Stop." He said definitively. "Never ever apologize for that ever again. Ever." He held her shoulders like he was trying to drill the words into her.
"That, none of that, it wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. You were abused Teddy."
She flinched at the word. It had never been said aloud. Never categorised or defined. It felt all too real. She shook her head as she broke down in tears once more.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry but it's true Ted. It's okay to say it."
"It's too real."
"I know, I know...teddy I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I didn't know it was that bad. I should've known."
"How could you? I never said anything."
"But mulciber, I knew some of it. I heard him talking. I knew you were too drunk and too high to know what was happening. I should've said something the minute I heard him talking about it. I should've gone to Dumbledore and had him expelled."
"No! No you can't!"
"Why? He deserves to burn in hell for what he did, they all do! Your uncle, your father, your whole fucking family!"
"But-"
"You can't explain away their actions Theodora, there's no excuse!"
"Please, please stop." She whispered and begged him.

He stopped immediately, his eyes widening as he realised he had hurt her more, she was already terrified and traumatised and now he was overwhelming her and scaring her.
"Shit Teddy I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have shouted. I'm sorry, I'm sorry darling."
He held her hands in his and kissed them softly.
"Have you ever told anyone before, about all of this?"
She shook her head no.
"Thank you for telling me Teddy."
Her face softened slightly and she looked up to meet his eyes. Her eyes were wide and glistening with tears. She looked so insecure, so young.
"Do you hate me?" She said so quietly he barely heard it.
"Teddy I could never hate you."
"You did."
"What?"
"When you heard about Mulciber you hated me."
"No."
"Then why did you break up with me? Why did you leave me?"
"I didn't know the whole story Ted's. I was hurt, I thought you didn't love me anymore. I'm so sorry, I should've let you explain, I should've been there for you. I should've listened. I was angry and stupid, but I never hated you. I could never ever hate you Teddy. I don't see you any differently now than I did yesterday, than I did a month ago, a year ago, or 6 years ago. I have always loved you Theodora. I always will."
"You really don't see me differently,? Even, even after everything?"
"You are still the same Teddy I fell in love with."
"I love you."
"I know."
"Please don't tell Dumbledore, please don't tell anyone."
"You shouldn't have to be afraid anymore Ted's, you shouldn't have to live in fear, especially not at Hogwarts. Like you said it was your safe space, your escape, that shouldn't be tainted by one horrible person."
"Everyone would know."
"No one would have to know, just you, me, Dumbledore and that prick."
"Everyone would find out Remus I can't risk that. Can you imagine if it were you? With your secret?"

He knew what she meant. If anyone were to find out about his furry little problem his life would be over. He couldn't imagine the pain she was suffering under the weight of all these secrets. He wanted to relieve at least some of it, but he didn't want to lose her trust. She trusted him enough to tell him her darkest secrets. How could he betray her?

"Okay. We don't have to tell anyone but Teddy you have to promise me."
"Promise you what?"
"Promise me that you will tell me everything. From now on we have no secrets. I don't care how horrible, disgusting, embarssing or scary it is. You have to promise to tell me. And promise you'll let me punch mulciber in the face."
She laughed softly at his last comment and nodded.
"I promise."
He pulled her into his chest and held her tightly. She felt so small, so fragile. How could this tiny woman hold so much pain. No wonder she fell apart.

"Teddy?"
"Mhm?" She hummed into his jumper as she buried herself further into his chest.
He stroked her hair comfortingly and braced himself for the question he was about to ask. She had already told him so much tonight he didn't want to push her but he needed to know, he needed to know the answer to the question he had been asking himself since his birthday.
"Was-was that why you...was Mulciber the reason you...hurt yourself."
He felt her stiffen and heard her breath hitch before she gripped him tighter and shook as tears sprung again.
"Yes, him and and everything. It was all too much. What he did, it brought up so many feelings, so many memories I had tried to bury. I felt so trapped. I thought you would hate me if you found out, I thought you would hurt me like they did. I thought I deserved to die but it also felt like the only way out."
"Fuck Teddy." He held her even tighter as he too began to cry.
"I'm sor-"
"No, don't apologise. It's not your fault that so many terrible things have happened to you but Teddy please, never do that again. I couldn't take it. If you die I don't know what I would do. I can't live without you Theodora."

"Remus?"
"Yea?"
"Can I marry you?"
"What?!" His heart raced with terror and pure joy.
"Not now, obviously, but...some day...can I marry you?"
"Teddy I would marry you tomorrow."
"So that's a yes then?"
"Yes, that's a yes."
"Okay....Remus?"
"Oh God don't tell me you're pregnant."
"No! No I just... Can I take your name?"
"When we get married? Of course you can."
"I mean now, can I take your name. I hate Malfoy."
"Theodora Lupin has a nice ring to it." He grinned.
"So yes?"
"Yes, yes obviously yes." He kissed all over her face and she laughed gently.
"I love you so much Theodora Lupin."
"I love you more Remus Lupin."
"Impossible."