Dear Sophia

I'm sorry.

I am angry. 
I have been angry since I signed those papers. 

I am angry because I wasn't given the chance everyone else had. I did not have a village behind me to help raise you, I was hardly 18 when I found out about you. The person I was with was no good to me. I was homeless, in high school, working a full-time job to get to the next couch I would sleep on before school.

I couldn't run home since I had no home to run to, I didn't have a safe family, and had run away the moment I turned 18. Escaping with a box of my objects. 

I chose homelessness over what would have been our family house. Our family was monsters who since then has entirely died off before I turned 24. I couldn't tell anyone about you, you were the biggest secret in my life because I know if you were found out then I couldn't ensure your safety from my family and your biological fathers. 

And so I stood there in the parking lot of the hospital I just gave birth to you having an entire mental breakdown. I signed your adoption papers moments before and had the world's biggest regret of knowing I wasn't going to be able to give you everything I wanted to give you in your life at the moment you arrive.  

Self-hate. 
Despair.
My world since then has been full of anger, but not at you. 
For myself.

I wanted to be selfish and keep you.
But, I was adopted too. 
And, I know that I wanted you to be able to have anything you wanted, no questions asked.

So I found someone with an opposite family line than ours, I found someone who was a thousand times better off than me, and I gave you to them. They couldn't tell you no.
They had a massive-loving family. 
You would always know what love is. 

It'll be five years in three weeks. 
Five. 

It's about this time, a little after my own birthday in late July that I'm reminded a little more that I wasn't enough then. 

Every birthday that's passed I've written you a card, bought you a present and tucked it away in my closet. 
Every holiday I've made you a gift basket and written you a card, I keep buying you clothes.

None of this has ever been delivered. 

One day I think you'll try to find me, or maybe you will find this. 
But, I think you'll come home one day on your own decisions, and when you do you'll have so much to come home to. 

I didn't want to do it.
It was the best decision I could have made. 

I didn't make it out of that relationship for two more years, I was too broken to escape till then. 

But, I have had another baby since then. And this time I allowed myself to be prepared. 
Since I've lost you I started collecting baby things, half in hopes you come back to me and the other because I never want to have to make that decision again. 

Your half-sister is one now. It's funny because she looks just like you, but just a darker hair color. 

I'm going to continue this further through my life until I reconnect with you. There was this thing on social media where people were locating their biological parents through it. I won't actively reach for you, your parents will tell you about me when the time is right, or not. I will just love you immensely quietly.  My heart aches too hard to include myself when someone else is your mommy but me. I can feel my soul breaking into a million pieces, and I always end up in a dark place in the back of my head fighting for my life when I try. 

This wasn't what I wanted. 
I'm so sorry, Sophia.