The Algorithm

I immediately realized I had created something astounding. This would change the world. I could have the algorithm solve for Alzheimer’s, Cancer, AIDS. But true to my mantra I needed to make something bigger. I could create a model that could emulate the ENTIRE WORLD. I became borderline suicidal when I realized that would require 3 months’ worth of computing power… from 40% of all computers currently in existence.

But I still had one ace up my sleeve: the Algorithm. I had it create a virus, small and compact, yet powerful, robust, and spritely. It could attach itself to a computer silently, drain only enough CPU power to avoid being detected, and remotely process my applications using the world’s computers as zombies. I had the thing layered with so much encryption that it would literally be impossible for anyone who didn’t have my technology to decrypt it.

So I started my grand project. Within a week, 89% of the computers in the world were infected and pumping out data. If you’ve had a lag spike in a PC videogame that killed you, I apologize. At the height of the development, where millions of computers shared and exchanged information like a spiderweb, the majority of the processing was being done in a Department of Defense computer cluster in the middle of New Mexico. According to my calculations, they have some $400 billion worth of computers underground doing god knows what else than compiling my program.

I know now that I will never see my future child for the first time, but I swear that when the Algorithm finished compiling I was a prouder dad than anyone. I immediately started doing scenario analysis. First I asked it stupid questions like what would the lottery numbers for this week be. Of course, it couldn’t predict it because the lottery only has one variable – the dude selecting the numbers. My program could only predict things that were not single state events. In other words, I had to choose adaptive, multivariable events that could be predicted within accepted parameters.

I entered in asking the probability of a military standoff occurring in the next week. It told me 72% chance of a major standoff occurring, most likely between SK-NK or India-Pakistan. You probably know that the former has already occurred. I know what you’re thinking, and I asked it too. The probability of it deteriorating into a nuclear conflict is less than 2.5%.

Now I was ready to look at a long-term picture. How many people would be alive in a million years? “0”. Well that makes sense, sooner or later an asteroid comes along. How many people alive in a thousand years? “0”. Wait.. what the fuck? What is going to happen to us so soon? How many people will be alive in a hundred years? “Less than 10,000”. Holy. Shit. Fuck. God. I immediately pull up the console and look for the culprit.

A virus. Similar in cell structure to HIV, but faster acting and transferrable like the common cold. Pulling medical and academic data from secure sources around the world, the Algorithm knew that this disease already existed. People right now are already showing symptoms and even dying- but right now doctors are mistakenly attributing it to Ebola. Of course, I started running regressions and tests to find a antidote, a vaccine, and an epicenter. Within seconds it pinpointed the starting point: western Europe. Three hours later: no antidote is possible. My God. I sat at my computer and watched text compile for days… something like 78 hours later it popped up on my screen.

No vaccine possible.

Furiously, I started running scenarios. What if we quarantined off that area and shut down travel? It would delay the virus by only three days. What if we- oh God—killed a segment or even whole cities and countries to stop it? 74% chance of slowing the virus down by one month. Statistically 0% chance of killing the virus. The only scenario the computer showed me where the virus was stopped was where every human being, animal, and other living creature was killed. Only then would the virus die out.

I wired ten million from my friends at Bank of America. I had a crew last week build an underground bomb shelter in world record time. It’s stocked with enough oxygen, food, and water to last the rest of my lifetime. Of course, I still asked the Algo my chances of living until I was 70. “85% chance”. My family has a history of heart problems…

I’m so sorry everyone. I considered warning all of you, the world, sooner but I decided not to. I wanted you to live out your last few days as happy as you could be, with friends and families and loved ones. This morning before driving to the bunker in the nearby woods I went to shut off the Algo. I thought I would feel a little sad, a little remorseful that this creation for good never did anything. I squandered my abilities more than the fucking Angry Birds guy. I entered the code to end the program, delete its copies, and shut down the network.

The program didn’t stop. At first I thought it was a rare error message, but when I looked closely it was a simple one line acknowledgement of my request. It had received my request, and well, to put it blankly, said “no thanks”. I felt anger rise up into my throat and rage bellowed in my chest, but then it quickly subsided. I couldn’t just smash the thing here, it had a million counterparts. It had replicates in underground bunkers, in the Pentagon, hell even the international space station was infected. The algorithm was just like me, it was adapting to circumstances in order to survive.

If anyone wants to know their probability or survival - well never mind - that is pretty much zero over 90 days from now. If you want a probability of knowing how long you’ll last, comment below with: height, weight, gender, ethnicity, nation, location density (village,city,etc.), and medical issues. I still have a copy of the Algo running in my underground place. I’ll answer questions until nobody can ask them anymore. God bless.