The Gay Delusion

17: The Gorilla Delusion

'Let's play Would You Rather, then, and see just how refined your taste are, you pompous cow,' Verity said with a grin, tossing a Sour Patch Kid at my forehead, little flecks of sugar flying through the space between us as it bounced off.

Our attention moved away from the film, teenaged giddiness flooding through us all as we prepared to think of the worst options we possibly could. Briefly, I wondered if slumber parties would ever stop being fun. Probably not, considering we were all massive kids at heart.

'I'll start,' Freya proposed, a slow, satisfied grin playing on her lips and letting us know she had thought of a particularly awful one. 'Would you rather have sex in a public toilet and have one of your parents walk in on you, or have sex with Mr Daniel Harden?'

A simultaneous groan sounded through the room.

'Is there a neither option?' Cassie asked, looking genuinely quite worried, as though the choice was a prophecy which was going to come true.

Daniel Harden (whose surname was very apt, considering he was a perv who walked around with a semi ninety-eight percent of the time) was the fifty-two year old client at Light My Match who had gone through a string of twenty-seven unsuccessful dates, attained through the matchmaking service. Since he had never actually done anything wrong – except "lick his hammy lips, breathe heavily, and make audible chewing sounds every time he ate" (direct quotes from a feedback survey one of his dates had taken) - we couldn't prevent him from hiring us to get him a date. He was pretty much the sole reason our matchmaking profile didn't have a one-hundred percent success rating. Not seeing his face every few weeks was probably the greatest perk of no longer working at Light My Match.

'Fuck it - give me the public toilet,' I said, hands up in the air in surrender. 'I'd much rather have my mum walk in on me doing the dirty with someone I actually like, than have that gorilla of a man penetrate me.'

Cassie giggled and nodded her agreement, while Verity winced. 'He is disgusting. The idea of that man penetrating anyone makes me weep,' Verity said, making a retching face. 'I actually feel quite sick now. Thanks for that, Frey.'

'Anytime, my girl, anytime,' Freya grinned, giving her a wink. She nodded to Cassie, who was next to her. 'Your turn, Cass.'

Cassie tapped her lip with her index finger thoughtfully. 'Would you rather...give Daniel Harden a lap-dance that lasts five minutes, or kiss him full-on the mouth?'

'Noooo!' I roared. 'They can't all be about that beastly thing!'

Cassie collapsed into laughter, clapping her hands together. 'You have to answer, guys!'

'I think I would rather commit suicide,' Verity mumbled.

'Uh-uh, Ver,' Freya said. 'You've got to make a choice. Besides, you suggested the game! I'd go for the lap-dance, personally.'

Verity grimaced. 'I'd probably choose the kiss,' she said. 'It could literally be a peck lasting half a second.'

Cassie turned to look at me, smiling. 'You, Lai?'

I winced. 'I'd probably go with the lap-dance too – there is no way I'm exchanging even the slightest bit of DNA with that old perv. At least a lap-dance wouldn't result in any direct skin-on-skin contact.'

We all made the same face at the thought.

'All right, I've got one! And it's not about the gorilla-man-thing, because I'm original,' Verity said, batting her hands and thoughts of the infamous and repugnant Daniel Harden away. 'Would you rather bang Benji or Lewis?'

I scrunched up my nose. 'Really? You want us to answer that?'

Freya rolled her eyes. 'Considering half of the people in the room have already shagged them – or are still shagging them,' she jabbed her thumb in the direction of Cass, 'we already know how Laina and Cassie are going to answer that crap question.'