Still Holding On

Chapter 46

"Well, I was gonna say 'super adopted,' but that works, too."

Loki cracks a smile, though only for a moment.

This is either the best or the worst time to ask this, but since they're on the topic, he might as well try. "You said you killed your father. That was because...?"

Loki shakes his head. "Not because he abandoned me," he says. "I thought it would please the Allfather, but I was wrong. I was never going to please him."

Oh.

So it's somehow even more depressing, then.

"Did it at least feel nice, getting your revenge?" Tony asks. If his first couple of days on earth are any indication, he does seem to like revenge.

But again, Loki shakes his head. "For a moment, perhaps, but Thor burst in within a minute and ruined it." He lets out a long breath. "There are a lot of things I would do differently if I could, but the biggest, I think, would be to talk to him first. I never told him that I was his son. I trusted the Allfather when he said I was unwanted. I wonder now if that was unwise. Perhaps he would have been happy to see me."

Tony frowns. Well, that wasn't the slightly upward turn he'd hoped the conversation would take.

"If I told you what I did, would you think less of me?" he asks. "I was banished for more than patricide."

Yes, you were banished for mass murder and attempted world domination.

"Nothing you tell me is going to make me like you any less," Tony assures him. "If you want to tell me what happened, tell me. If you don't..." He shrugs. "That's up to you. I'm not pushing."

Loki contemplates that for a moment. "I think you should know," he says. "You deserve to know who you've let into your home."

So he explains everything. He explains how he let the Jotuns into Asgard to ruin Thor's coronation. He explains how he planted the idea of attacking Jotunheim in his brother's head to get him in trouble, and how Thor was cast out for it. He explains how he learned of his heritage, and the coma the Allfather fell into in the midst of this life-altering conversation. He explains how he accidentally got the throne he never wanted, and how he was determined to do anything to keep it just to prove that he could handle it better than Thor could. He explains how he tried to kill Thor to keep him out of the way, then plotted with the Jotuns to "kill" the Allfather, only to turn on them at the last moment. And he explains the battle that led to, the attempted genocide of his own race, and the disappointment from the Allfather that led him to try taking his own life.

"My rage and my resentment only grew in the time I spent among the cosmos," Loki tells him. "But I don't want to be that person anymore. The fact that I am still alive after all I've done... This is a second chance, and though I don't know that I deserve it, I want to use it right. I don't want to be angry or petty or mischievous. If I have the chance to be a good person, for once in my life, I want to do it."

Tony needs a minute to take that all in. All of that... That sounds like something the Loki he met the first time would do. He'd been so sure that was a fluke; that the real Loki wouldn't do anything like that. Maybe he doesn't know the real Loki as well as he thinks he does.

But then, he knows his Loki. He knows that his Loki wouldn't do that. And if that's only because he had a post-suicide-attempt epiphany, who's he to object? It's not a whole lot different than Tony's post-assassination-attempt epiphany that changed the course of his own life. It's just one more thing they have in common, in a weird kind of way. Who's he to hold that against him?

So Tony stops walking, and, though a little bit confused, Loki does the same. He looks almost wary as he waits for an answer — any answer, undoubtedly, is better than this silence. But still, Tony takes a moment just to be; just to stand here with this man he's lucky enough to call one of his best friends.

"You know," Tony says, "not a lot of people are willing to admit when they're wrong. I mean, I sure as hell suck at it." With a small smile, he says, "It takes a good man to admit he wants to do better, and an even better one to actually do it."

"So you don't think I'm a horrible, irredeemable person?" Loki asks the question lightheartedly, but there's an underlying sense of sincerity to it.

"I think you're at least as good a man as I am," Tony says. "Which isn't a very high bar to clear, but you did it."

Loki cracks a smile, too. "Do most good people feel like bad ones?"

Tony ponders that. He never thought about it that way. He felt like a great person when he was leading a company responsible for dozens of war crimes. He jumped through hoops to shut the weapons division down — nearly dying in the process — and he feels so much more inadequate than he did before. Nevermind that he just threw himself through a wormhole to save the entirety of New York. Never mind that he then subjected himself to what he'd expected to be a really shitty day or two trying to keep a god at bay because he thought Asgard could be in danger if Loki went back. It doesn't matter what sacrifices he makes. He's never going to feel like a genuinely good person. But maybe that means that he is one.

So finally, he answers, "Well, good people know they could always be better, so yeah, maybe you're right." He punches Loki's shoulder playfully. "Maybe we're both good people and we just don't know it. Who'd've thunk it?"

"Well, you are most certainly a good person," Loki tells him, "so if even you are blind to your greatness, I suppose it bodes well for me."

Tony rests a hand on his shoulder. "You're a good person, Loki," he says. "Maybe you haven't always been; I don't know. But as long as I've known you, you've been a good person. You really are."

Loki smiles softly. "For all my mistakes and all the things I know I should have done differently, I'm glad they brought me here."

Tony smiles back. "I am, too."

~~

The first thing Loki does when they get back to the tower is take a shower — something he apparently didn't actually do in the hour he spent sitting on the bathroom floor earlier. Then he might try to go back to sleep, he says — and Tony wholeheartedly agrees with that idea.

So while Loki's in the bathroom, Tony crawls back into bed. Knowing how Loki showers, he probably has at least half an hour until the god comes back out. Which gives him more than enough time to...

He sticks his hand under Loki's pillow and pulls out his notebook. He's had a few days to write down his dreams. Now it's time to take a look at what he remembers.

And yet, he finds himself hesitating.

Because he did promise Loki that this was his private space; that whatever he wrote would be for himself and only himself. His notebook is supposed to be his safe haven. Is it really fair to take that from him?

With a sigh, Tony slips the notebook back under the pillow. He doesn't need to know what Loki's seen — not enough to lie to him again. He's done far too much of that already.

So instead, he lies down and closes his eyes. He'd like to get a little bit of sleep before the next adventure.