forbidden love

the break ups

a couple of weeks later, josh called me. it was a tuesday afternoon, i was doing some homework. the four of us hadn't been hanging out as much. we all saw each other once i week, i'd see mads maybe once or twice and then josh on the other days. this particular day, if made plans with no one and i was actually kind of glad. it had given me some time to relax and catch up with some school work as summer was about to begin. i was slightly shocked to see josh's name appear on my screen, i hadn't heard from him all day.

"hello?"
"hey, ness. are you busy? i wanna see you."
"erm well, i'm doing homework but i guess you could come round for a bit."
"okay i'm leaving now."

i had a feeling this wasn't going to be an ordinary day, where we just chilled in my room and spoke about how our days went. i knew this was something different.

20 minutes went by, i heard a knock on the door and my mum let josh in. he came straight to my room and he didn't look himself. he looked sad.
"can we talk?" he mumbled to the floor.
"yeah sure, what's up?" i tried to stay assertive. i didn't want him to know i was feeling very anxious in this moment. what was he going to say?

"are you happy with me?" he blurted out.
"yes, of course i am josh!" i genuinely couldn't believe he'd ask me something like that.
" look nessa things haven't been the same recently, for either of us. i know you're not as happy as you were because, i know you nessa. and that's okay. i'm not mad at you and i don't want you to be mad at me. just be honest, okay? are you happy with me?"

i was extremely hesitant to answer his question. the truth was he was right. i had admitted it to myself but, i didn't feel ready to admit it to him. it was in this moment i knew i didn't have a choice. i needed to be honest, for both of us.

"no, i'm not. are you not happy with me?" my bottom lip was trembling.
"neither of us are happy and it's no one's fault. we've grown up a lot over this year. you were my first girlfriend. i didn't know what love was until i met you nessa. you made me feel a ridiculous amount of emotions i had never felt before. you taught me how to be a boyfriend. you taught me how to love someone so purely. unfortunately, sometimes first loves come to an end."
"i love you josh. but if this is what is best, for both of us, then i'm okay with that." i couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. he walked over and took a seat beside me on my bed. he held my head in his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs.

"don't cry," he whispered. "it's going to be okay. we will still be friends, you know that. i care about you a ridiculous amount. i will always be here no matter what. i will always be your friend. if you need me ness, i will be there."
"what did i do to deserve you?" i sobbed.
"just be yourself! you deserve the world and you'll get it, okay? i promise."
"thank you!" i leaned my head onto his shoulder and just cried. he put his arms around me and held me so tight. no more words had to be said. we had come to a mutual agreement and there was nothing left to say. we were over.

~

when josh left, i immediately called mads. i tan her through the whole conversation.
"how do you feel about all of this nessa?" mads asked, genuinely concerned.
"it was a bit of a shock and of course it is hard. i think it's what we both need right now though. it feels right." my voice was still shaking and i was hopefully she hadn't noticed but i knew she would.
"if you need anything i'm here for you. always."

the best thing to come out of my relationship with josh, was truly my friendship with mads. i felt so loved and supported. nothing could come between us, or at least that's what i thought.

~

two days after school finished for the summer, jaden and mads broke up. it sounded pretty brutal. they got into a massive fight, said some outrageous things to each other & decided they never wanted to see each other again. mads came to mine that night and we both cried about our break ups. neither of us had experienced heart break before and we were very lucky to have each other.

mads was a great friend, she was the best. however, i still felt lonely. it was like everything went back to a year prior. i was single and had almost no friends. when i wasn't with mads, i had nobody and she'd left to go on holiday with her family for two weeks. my mum was trying her best but, it didn't make up for the void in my heart.

"what do you want to do today ness?" my mum asked.
"i was thinking i'd just go to the beach, alone, to think." i said.
"if that's what you want, go for it."

so i walked to the beach. it took about 15 minutes for me to walk there. and when i got there i realised, i didn't know what i was going to do. i sat down in the same place me and josh had sat just 4 weeks ago. i took a deep breath and stared aimlessly at the sea. i felt stupid sitting and feeling shitty over some boy. there was so much more out there, so much more to experience. so much more love to feel and i was moping over one boy.

i buried my head in my knees and just let the emotions flow out. once id cried all the tears out, i focussed my attention back to my surroundings. everyone around me seemed so happy, full of love and life. there were families playing in the waves, couples laying beside each other, contently, and dogs running across the sound. everyone looked so happy, except for one person.

there was a figure in the distance, sitting on his own, writing in a notebook. i wondered what he story was, i couldn't see him clearly. he could've been anyone. a poet. a musician. a professor. he could've been having the best time of his life, alone with his thoughts. or the worst.

after what feels like forever, staring at the back of this random guys head, he turned his head. i realised he wasn't a random guy. he was jaden!

he caught my eye, got up and walked over to me.