Still Breathing

Chapter 22. Dark Paradise

That didn't mean he couldn't try to help him.

"Lo'ak, are you okay?" The boy in question jumped at the sudden voice behind him, quickly wiping the tears away when he noticed his dad standing behind him.

"Dad, what are you doing out here?" Lo'ak asked, trying to change the subject.

Jake took a seat beside his son, placing a gentle hand on the top of his son's head. He looked deep into his son's eyes that very much reflected his own. He could see the hurt behind them that he was desperately trying to mask so nobody could see how much he hated himself.

But Jake did.

"You know it wasn't your fault, right?" And with those words, Lo'ak's mask came crumbling down. Tears welling in his eyes as he thought about the recurring dreams of Neteyam coming to him, telling him it was all his fault.

"But it is." Lo'ak's avoided eye contact with his father, his voice so quiet he wasn't even sure he spoke.

Jake's ears dropped, a sympathetic expression overcoming his face as he moved his hand from his son's head to his shoulder and pulling him into a hug. Lo'ak began to sob, to cry harder than he ever had in his entire life.

"I see him, dad. Every night." Lo'ak choked out between sobs as Jake continued to hold him, patting his back lightly. "He tells me that it's my fault."

Jake knew the pain of losing a brother. He knew what it felt like to feel responsible. That's why he was always so hard on his boys. He never wanted either of them to experience that type of loss. But now Lo'ak was and Jake wished he could take every ounce of his pain away.

"You didn't shoot that gun. You didn't make Neteyam come with you. It was not your fault." Jake tried to comfort his son, he tried to say the right thing, but that only seemed to make Lo'ak even more upset as he started to cry even harder than before.

"You know," Jake started as he swayed back and forth with his son in his arms. "I blamed myself when my brother died."

Lo'ak stopped sobbing, the occasional sniffle escaping his nose as he looked up at his father with watery eyes. "You did?" His words were muffled by his fathers chest, causing Jake to let out a slight chuckle as he nodded in response to Lo'ak's question.

Lo'ak thought that nobody understood how much guilt he felt. How he spent every waking moment wishing that it was him instead of his brother. How he wished that he could've taken everything back.

But Jake did.

The two of them pulled away from the hug, sitting facing each other as Jake continued to talk about dealing with the loss of his brother.

"Tommy and I got into a fight a few days before he died. He was making his way to my place to talk to me when he was killed." Jake explained, feeling the overwhelming feelings of emotions flooding him not only from that day but from their current loss.

"I thought maybe if we made up earlier than he wouldn't have come over. And then maybe he wouldn't have gotten killed. Then I realized that I had no control over what happened that night, just like you had no control over what happened on the ship."

Lo'ak looked up at his father with a new sense of understanding. He understood why his father wanted to protect them so badly.

"Don't get mad at me for saying this," Lo'ak started, looking at Jake with pleading eyes. His father simply nodded, signifying his approval for his son to continue. "I'm kinda glad your brother died."

Jake looked at his son for a moment with confusion, mouth open in shock but before he could yell at his son for saying such a hurtful and insensitive thing, Lo'ak finished his sentence.