An Interference of Portraits

Building Tensions

'You don't understand my home life, Harry. It was difficult—'

'So fucking what! You know what my home life was like too. I'm not saying I was perfect but fuck...' I took a deep breath and sighed. 'What was it you told me in fifth year, Snape? Let me remind you: "it may have escaped your notice, but life isn't fair". Great thing to tell an abused kid whose been told he has one sole purpose in life, that is, one sole purpose, deemed by others—not me because remember, I didn't ask to be fucking The Chosen One, even though you treated me like I did. But there I was, told in no uncertain terms that I had to kill the most powerful wizard in a "him or me" scenario. You think I didn't know life's unfair? We have to make the most of what we've got otherwise it eats away at us. But I guess that's what happened. You held onto every slight and let bitterness eat your heart away. Because this isn't just about the petty grudge you bore against my dad, even after he saved your life; because you proceeded to still take it out on Remus and Sirius years later – I mean, you made a group of children write essays on how to kill a werewolf... that Remus then had to mark. You literally said, "I'll drag the werewolf, perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him too". You then got him sacked by exposing a private health condition, someone who was already experiencing enough job discrimination because of that bloody bitch Umbridge. You refused to listen to Sirius's explanation even though he was being compliant and then lost it when you couldn't send two innocent men to prison or receive the Order of Merlin for your efforts. And you continued to wind Sirius up afterwards when you knew he couldn't leave Grimmauld Place. It wasn't the reason that Sirius went to the Ministry that night but it was certainly a contributing factor. You egged him on by demeaning him and telling him he was worthless while you were so important and wonderful. You chose to behave this way... for decades...'

'I know,' Snape said slowly, but he refused to make eye contact with me. 'I'm not proud of who I became...'

'Tell me,' I demanded, 'did you know that Peter Pettigrew was the traitor who got my parents killed? I mean, you must of known Pettigrew joined Voldemort out of fear for his own life. You were in the inner circle...'

'Yes,' he admitted quietly.

'So that behaviour when Sirius came to the school because Pettigrew was there was all that bit worse on your part.'

'I know.'

'Did you tell Albus Dumbledore when Pettigrew joined Voldemort?'

'Yes.'

'So the both of you let Sirius rot in hell for twelve years, simply for the "greater good" and to protect your position as a spy. Meanwhile, I lived out my childhood being abused by a family you knew hated magic? I could have been given a family but you both took that away from me and chose not to speak up about it...'

'Yes.'

'I suppose that at least it confirms my suspicions. I feel surprisingly calm about the fact, maybe because it doesn't surprise me.'

I sighed heavily and neither of us spoke. There wasn't anything to say. What could we say?

'So how do we get past all this?' I said, my temper completely fallen away.

'By you finding it in your heart to accept my apology. Because I am truly sorry, Harry, you deserved better from me. Please don't hold on to the bitterness too. You're more than that. You always have been'

'I know my forgiving you is wrapped up in the baggage relating to my mum and dad. I know it's not all bad. I know how much you did too; that you saved my life on more than one occasion. I still remember how you stood between us and werewolf Remus to protect us. The list is long. That's why it's all so conflicting. Just when I think okay, I can get over this, I remember your treatment. And of other students too. And what about them. Your constant deriding of Hermione because what...? She was a Gryffindor? My best friend? A girl? A Muggleborn? "An insufferable know-it-all"? You called a second-year student that and took house points away from her instead of nurturing talent. And what about that awful comment about her teeth when Draco hexed her and you sent Goyle off to the infirmary but said to Hermione you couldn't see the difference in her appearance. Or Neville, when you told him you would feed his failed potion to his toad, with what we all knew would be fatal results, just to teach him a lesson. Neville, who was young and innocent and struggling in life because he was using his father's wand and from constantly gaslighted into believing he was hapless. Did you know he was given that toad by his uncle for being good enough at magic to get into Hogwarts? And you wanted to kill it... to teach him a lesson for not being good enough at magic... you weren't fucking fit to be a teacher. Tell me, why would I want to learn off you?'