SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | CLOSED

❄ Raindrops On Her Winter Hair | STARIS ❄

- As for the pacing, transitions, and readability of this short story, I find that it works just fine. Tenses are kept consistent, too, as far as I remember. Some transitions may need work to improve pacing and for better and easier following of the story's events, but overall, it wasn't bad. There are a few typos and errors here and there, but nothing bad.

- For perspective breaking, this is where you may need a lot of work. As I mentioned above, writing in a diary format does not exactly excuse for the character in perspective to know exactly what other characters think. The only excuse I can think of regarding this if the other characters told Alaska how they felt in those moments for her to know. But other than that, it should all be made clear that other characters' thoughts behind their actions etcetera all fall under Alaska's interpretation only. This limitation of knowledge makes for a compelling point of view and an engaging narrative. A quick and easy way to fix these is to add 'I think', 'maybe', and other similar words or phrases that imply Alaska only interprets things and does not actually know them. Since she is not supposed to really know them.

- Again, even though this seems like it was in diary format, it is still impossible for Alaska to know the thoughts of others unless they've told her about it prior to her writing about the events. Remember that.

- One particular example that caught me off guard is the part where they eat ramen. That isn't the only part with this problem, but it's the one I'll use for reference here to show you what I mean.

- I will suggest changing sentences that go 'We did this, which made us do this' to 'We did this, then we did this.' e.g. "We took a sip of our ramen, which made us smile," because again, Alaska should not know what or how Wren thinks because this is her perspective. So changing that to 'We took a sip of our ramen and smiled at each other afterwards' not only sounds better but also makes us feel more connected to Alaska's point of view (which is limited, as we only know her thoughts from here) and also feel that we are right there with them, while possibly automatically ingraining in our minds that 'oh they smiled after sipping some ramen.' Which means you did not have to say they smiled BECAUSE of the ramen - 'which made us smile'.

- Other follow-ups related to this will be in the next section (iv. Description).

iv. Description

- The thing related to the above is a case you may have regarding the worldwide advice of 'show, don't tell.' Like I tell everyone in my reviews, 'tell' has its place in writing, but it doesn't always work and is not always as compelling as 'show.' I tell you this because I've come across many passages where you, the author, tell us, the readers, what is what, instead of showing us. It is told to us as if we'd believe it right then and there because it was told. But it's the opposite. It's not really convincing compared to if it is shown to us instead. I have some examples from the second and third chapters to go around this. This is another way of dealing with the structure problem I mentioned in the previous section.

- You 'tell' us what Wren thinks etcetera that Alaska is not supposed to know. Better change this to show us what he did that made Alaska think he's thinking. It can be him placing a finger on his chin, crossing his arms, looking at the sky, anything. Use their body, not just their words and their eyes.

- 'His personality is compelling' in what way? Again, don't tell the readers whether his personality is this or that, show us more of what made him compelling to Alaska. Same thing with 'I was having a great time.' Don't just tell us like we'd believe it once we read it being told to us. Show us the actions, behaviors, and expressions that Alaska makes that will clearly show she was having a blast.

- 'The sound of fireworks caught us off guard' might be better written as something like 'The sound of fireworks caught our attention.' Again, Alaska should not know whether Wren was caught off guard like she was or not. Or, you can cheat this as 'I think the sound of fireworks caught both of us off guard.' The 'I think' is the main game changer here, as it transforms this sentence into showing us interesting imagery.