"That's fascinating, Peter," he commented in what he thought was an enthusiastic tone.
"Oh, and I saw Evans in the Hospital Wing, too," Peter added.
"Lily was there?" Remus raised his brow. "Speaking of Lily, where's James?" He looked around the dorm and found James' bed empty. "Must have gone for breakfast early," he shrugged. "So why was Lily in there?"
"I think she had a bad foot," Peter guessed. "I asked her how she got it and she threatened to rip out a kidney."
"Oh." Remus was not surprised.
"And then I asked her about James," Peter carried on, "And she actually tried to rip out a kidney." He rubbed his stomach.
Remus winced, "I was going to ask about those rips on the front of your shirt."
"Oh, don't worry, Madam Pomfrey got rid of the blood."
"What!" Sirius tried sitting up in bed but only tumbled back down with a painful moan. He was awake from his chocolate body paints dream now the conversation was starting to get interesting. "Did she actually rip out a kidney?"
"Of course she didn't," Remus scolded him, then glanced at Peter, "Er, did she? Though it is possible to survive on one kidney, so if she only tore out one, you'd still be alive."
"No, she just got rid of the blood from the scram marks on my stomach," Peter explained, "Both babies are still here." He patted his hands at his chest, which was the wrong part to indicate where his kidneys were, unless his kidneys were hovering somewhere near his collar bone.
"You are referring to your kidneys, aren't you?" Remus asked. "Not actual babies? Because it's physically impossible for a male to have infants born inside him."
"Not to mention the world would be a better place without mini Peter papooses running around."
"Sirius," Remus sighed, "A papoose is a Native American Indian baby. Peter is not Native American Indian."
Peter made an 'o' shaped mouth, as if he to say a surprised, "I'm not?"
"A papoose can be whatever I bloody want it to be," Sirius said. "I could even call you a papoose." He pointed a finger at Remus. "Papoose!"
"Hey, Padfoot?" Peter asked. "How come you were so concerned that Lily might have ripped out one of my kidneys? Do you really value my friendship that much?" he said admirably.
"No," Sirius scoffed, "I was just worried that you'd given a kidney away to her. So when I'm older and might be an alcoholic, you wouldn't be the one to save my life by giving me a kidney. How could you do that to me, Pete? Huh? Huh! You selfish human being!"
"Oh God, you're right!" Peter's eyes began to water in horror. "How could I be so insensitive? I'm so sorry, Sirius!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Peter, why are you apologizing to him? You didn't give her a kidney, remember?"
He cringed in realisation. "Oh yeah. Oh, and guess what, Padfoot?"
"What?" Sirius grunted.
"I got a lollypop from Madam Pomfrey before I left. It was strawberry."
"Oh woop-de-fucking -doo. Let me shit myself with envy."
Remus rolled his eyes and made his new crucifix position more comfortable. "Now, if this conversation is over, I will be going back to sleep." He shut his eyes but then sniffed the air towards his pyjamas. "Maybe after I take these off."
Chapter 17- Suicide Notes, with a Side Dish of....?
Start from the beginning
