The Gay Delusion

15: The Giddiness Delusion

She let out a long breath, which only served to cement the fact that she was so far away. If she was here in person, Nova's cool breath would have washed right over me and danced over my skin, reminding me that she was alive and warm and right beside me instead of thousands of miles away. I hated distance.

'You always did know me so well,' she said simply.

I rolled my eyes and batted my hand at her - or rather, the screen. 'Well duh, lady. Thirteen years of friendship has to count for something,' I said, one corner of my mouth lifting up into a half-smile. 'I won't judge, whatever it is you're scared to say,' I murmured in encouragement. 'Not like last time,' I added quietly, heart panging painfully as I remembered the awful way I had treated her when she first got pregnant, which was well over two years ago now. I wondered how it could simultaneously feel like no time at all and like a lifetime had gone by.

'Lai -' Nova started, shaking her head. 'Don't worry about that, that's well and truly in the past. I forgave you - and myself - a long time ago.' Her mouth opened and closed several times, like she was trying to build up the courage to say what she truly wanted to tell me.

'So I've met someone, basically,' Nova said finally. She bit her lip, her gaze falling down to the ground, before finally looking at my face again. 'That's basically why I called.'

I let out a long breath, the carbon dioxide coming out in an audible whoosh. 'Basically,' I repeated like she had, giving her a wry smile and a little laugh.

'All right, all right, vocab Nazi,' she said, rolling her eyes. It was wonderful to see the way trickles of the way she used to be were glimmering through her in the small moments.

'Yeah yeah,' I replied. 'So who have you met? Is he gorgeous? Is he Aussie?'

'He is Aussie,' she admitted. 'And I suppose beauty is subjective, but I certainly think so.'

'Name?' I said, the quick fire of questions making me feel like I was being a bit of an interrogative psychopath.

'Lachlan,' Nova replied slightly begrudgingly, which made me laugh out loud.

'It doesn't get more Australian than that, Supernova,' I said, pushing my hair back from my face as I tilted my head back and stared at the ceiling before my gaze returned to her. 'That is wonderful. So, so wonderful.'

'Really?' she whispered. The doubt and uncertainty that coated her face made my fingertips tingle with the ache I could feel radiating off her.

It was amazing how easily we had gotten back into the swing of a flowing conversation, as if a second of time hadn't passed at all. It was like I had just seen her yesterday, both of us aged twenty-two. The sign of a real friendship, someone had said to me a million years ago.

'Of course it is, my crazy girl,' I whispered back, like I was relaying the secret of eternal life to her. 'You've got all the right in the world to be happy. Screw doubt. Don't be afraid.'

Maybe you should follow your own advice then, said the small, irritating voice in the back of my mind.

'Do I really, though?' Nova said dubiously. One of her hands swept hair behind her ear, before she moved it to her face, her fingertips grazing her cheek as she became lost in thought.

'Do you really have the right to be happy, do you mean?' I asked. When she nodded tentatively, my heart swelled with sadness. 'Oh, Nove. Why would you think that you don't?'

'I wasn't meant to be the one to move on first,' she said simply. 'He was meant to be happy and feel what I'm feeling now,' she said, biting down on her lower lip. Her teeth were so tightly clamped over it that I thought she was going to draw blood, and it didn't occur to me until later that maybe she was trying to.