Ji-pyeong wanted her to know it all. He owed her that. And he owed it to himself too. But like his decision to stay in New York a year ago, he also wanted her to have time on her own to think about his decision. And so he had sent his letter to her in New York. Ji-pyeong agonized over how much detail to include. Ultimately, he decided against outlining the nuts and bolts of his plan; earlier drafts felt too much like a prospectus and not enough like a love letter. Instead, he imagined having all afternoon to talk it through before their anniversary dinner.
But then today did not go according to plan.
So I dropped a bombshell on her. And then I didn't show up.
Ji-pyeong clenched his jaw as he imagined her processing his news alone. Mi-rae had wandered Paris by herself all day when she should have been hand in hand with him. And then they had to cancel the dinner that she had planned a month ago. Now his wife was sitting at a cafe late in the evening while he was under the English Channel. His heart throbbed with regret. And guilt. And shame.
She is all alone.
He let out a breath and closed his eyes. It was untenable.
This is not the kind of husband I want to be.
Ji-pyeong stared out the window again. The gray walls passed in a blur like his life since he had begun this endeavor. Drained of color and speeding beyond his control. The look on Mi-rae's face as she told him that she loved him standing in their apartment seeped to the forefront of his mind. He had dreamed fitfully of it so many times since. Ji-pyeong would wake up sweating. And then sit down at a desk. And plan.
He hunched over his phone. His thumbs typed furiously.
"I hate conferences. And flight cancellations. And train delays. And most of all, being away from you."
His words just stared back at him unanswered for what felt like hours. Ji-pyeong's hand tightened around the phone. Her silence was unnerving. Was it a prelude to another argument? Windshield wipers switched back and forth endlessly in his head.
She must be upset. How could she not be?
Ji-pyeong worried at the inside of his cheek as his words just hung there. This was like their last attempt at going away. Mi-rae cried in his arms that day.
I let her down again.
He tasted salt in his mouth. And then he typed the only words that he could think of to say.
"I am so sorry."
He waited; almost relishing her silence as just penance. Ji-pyeong did not allow himself to hope for her assurances. He just wanted to know if she was okay. Finally, three dots mercifully appeared.
"There is nothing to be sorry about! We still have four days here, my love. Don't worry about the actual date. We picked it over pizza so we can just as easily celebrate it whenever we want. I am so excited to see you!"
Ji-pyeong blinked back tears he did not realize had gathered.
We picked it over pizza.
A puff of air burst from his lips. She was offering him so much grace.
I don't deserve her.
And then Mi-rae's voice reprimanded him.
Don't you think that we deserve each other?
He shook his head and pushed darker thoughts away.
She would hate me thinking that way.
His heart made his fingers fly.
June 9, 2024 (Part 2)
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