Ana has been staring at the guy who is sitting with her in the ferris wheel's cabin. He seemed to not be the type that would do some harm to her, but she cannot assure herself with it.
They didn't even know each other! But he rather seemed familiar to her.
"Uhm, hello? I am Ana!" She greeted him with so much smile on her face. She wanted to transfer some positive energy to him, although she sometimes lacks it whenever she is in deep thought or thinking of any plot for her novel.
"Bon". He said and his voice sounded so deep, that it made her heart leap again for a second.
She subtly touches her chest and makes herself calm down a little. She is not afraid of heights. She will not be nervous over something that she has been comfortable with. But maybe it's his presence. He seems to have so many things in mind that no positive energy could bring life to his eyes.
Ana tried her best to share something with him. She tried lifting his mood up but to no avail. They aren't friends. They just see each other here.
"I know we don't know each other but I want you to know that---,"
Ana was cut off with her words when Bon suddenly cut her words.
"I know you. " He whispered which made her caught off guard.
"You were my classmate at one class back in college. You were that novelist they were talking about. How your stories lifted up their souls. How you could cheer them with just words. I tried that too, you know. I tried reading your works too, I wanted to feel uplifted too. But what can I do if all the work you've made does not reach me like it did to them. I was confused. Why? Why did I have to be hurt if all I wanted was just to be happy?"
Suddenly, a flashback of a gloomy guy who entered their classroom flashes through her mind. Bon? Was that his name back then? Did she forget it? She was Ms. Congeniality and she thought they have a bit of interaction but she cannot remember it.
"Ana, can't you remember me?"
His voice, it's full of pain. It was like it was pleading Ana to remember him.
"I thought when I saw you earlier, you already remember me. But why? Why did you try to stare at me? Why are you caught off guard when we were near each other? Why did your heart suddenly take a beating when I was near?"
Ana was shocked. She does not have any amnesia, so she thought that this guy was just messing with him.
"I am so sorry, but I do not know you."
She said with a stern voice.
He laughed. He laughed with nothingness in it. It was a laugh in disbelief. How he was happy to see her and how he felt his heart beating faster when he was with her. And she would just suddenly say that? That she does not know him?
"So the moments we've been together? What was that?" His voice was laced with too much sadness. That in a few moments it felt like he would be crying.
"An experiment perhaps."
She whispered back.
"You were too sad, too lonely back then. I know that I am craving for more attention back then so I was waiting for a moment wherein I could write a story that heals a broken guy. You were that. You were so broken that I thought spending some time with you would help me write and create a good novel. I know it's bad. I know what I did was wrong. But at that time I was desperate to show them that I was good."
"You were already good enough Ana. It's just that you craved so much."
His words echoed at the back of Ana's mind. It was real. She used him. She was so bright that the shines blinded herself. She used a dull person to make herself shine more.
"When we were together, did you even consider loving me?" Bon asked.
"No." Everything was nothing to me. She wanted to add but she did not want to create anymore shattered pieces into him.
"Right. Everything was just for a plot, I see."
With that being said, Bon suddenly stands up, it is at that moment that the ferris wheel has stopped. And it was time to go out.
"Bon, I am sorry."
"I am mad Ana. Mad that you took advantage of how broken of a person I was. But you know what? I am glad. Glad that I was able to help you to shine brightly. I know you are a good person. You were just so much that you did not realize that you don't need to hurt anyone in the process just for yourself to be more known. You didn't care enough for the others but you made yourself think that you are the positive one while being toxic in the process. I hated that the moment your book came out, you suddenly ignored me. But what can I do? It is what it is. I am deeply pained that I almost painted myself blood with my knife as the brush. But seeing you again. Looking back, I am thankful. Thankful that you have lifted my spirit up. Thank you Ana."
His words lingered in Ana's mind.
"Maybe, maybe I was a toxic person too. Maybe I am not as positive as I thought I would be. Maybe the more I synthesize it, the more it would make me realize that I am not who I wanted myself to be."
Tears suddenly formed at the corner of Ana's eyes. She stared at the ferris wheel behind her and looked at the night sky. It wasn't as bright earlier. It was gloomier now. Like how her feelings were.
"Maybe I am still the person I was years ago. Because I am still seeking inspiration and validation no matter how successful I was. And talking to Bon has made me realize that", she whispered to herself.
Maybe the sudden leap of her heart earlier wasn't because of anything else but nervousness and guilt.
