Live for You

Traumatized

 I was cruel and I could never change. I told myself this. I was afraid to ask for help, to let anyone help me, in case I hurt them so bad I would lie in despair and regret for the rest of my life. No one could help me. Until I let them see, which would be never. There was a scar for each year since I did that to Joel. His name was still cold in my heart. He had been my first kiss and there he went, not too long at all after. He didn't last long at all-because of me. 

 What if I did that to Enid?

 And so every year on my birthday at midnight, I took a knife and cut deep into my arm. Between the shoulder and the elbow, there were three scars like claw marks, long and twisted and so painful it reminded me to scare people off or else I'd hurt them the way I hurt myself. I cut them open every year to add to them, wondering when my time would be up, when I'd bleed out, when I'd cut too far and kill myself at last. 

 On my birthday this year, my sixteenth, my fourth scar, due to a series of unfortune situations, I had been unable to get the time to cut myself. So I had to wait until Enid was gone, and I would do it. But this time I would go deeper than ever. Maybe I would kill myself. At least then Enid would be truly safe from me. The only way to keep my friends truly safe from me was to remove myself from them-and they'd never let me do that, they'd always stay even if I moved to the other end of the earth, so I had to make sure I was no longer ON earth. 

 Enid was curled on her bed, looking just as numb as I was. I would have to get her out somehow. "Enid," I said blankly. She lifted her head to meet my eyes with as much of a smile as possible. "Why don't you go see Yoko? You haven't been over to her room for a while." She furrowed her brow. "And leave you alone? With no one to keep you company?" I sighed. "It's not like we're talking or anything anyway." She tilted her head in confusion. "But just having you in the room with me makes me feel safer." 

 God, this werewolf. She cared so much. "Enid, Yoko can help you feel better," I said. Maybe she finally understood that I wanted some time alone, so she smiled, nodded, and got up to leave. I got up as well, looked at her for the last time for a moment, and said softly, "good-bye, Enid." She looked at me, confused. "Wednesday, you... you're staying here, right? I want you to stay," she said uncertainly. I nodded, unable to lie to her face, and she smiled, waving good-bye. I strode to my desk, to the typewriter, and pushed the small, unmarked key just next to the space bar. The groove between them was barely able to be noticed, but I of course knew it was there. It caused the top half of the typewriter to jump open, revealing my mass of butterfly knives, daggers, poisons, hammer, thumbscrews, tacks and tasers. 

 I took out my favorite butterfly knife and flicked open the blade as long as my finger. I prepared myself. I rolled up the sleeve of my arm, and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I knew I had made my decision when I looked at Enid's scars as she left. I had done that. Not directly, but the danger I had gotten myself into had triggered her to fight Tyler and get those scars. They would stay forever, and I could not afford to hurt her again. Or Eugene, who I had hospitalized, or Xavier, who I'd put in jail, or Thing, who'd died and just barely had been brought back again. But what if this wasn't the best way after all?

 It all came down to one question-was I good or bad? For this world, for myself, for my family or my friends? Would it hurt them more if I stayed, and if we got into danger again because of the enemies I'd made myself, and they tried to help me but got hurt? Or would it hurt them more if I left, and there was no one left to protect them like I'd taken an arrow for Xavier, killed Crackstone for Bianca, and they had to deal with losing me? I knew Enid would care. But she'd get over it, right? What the heck. 

 Was I good or bad? 

 "Thing," I said. He immediately scuttled in from the balcony, saw me, and seemed to wilt. I tried to ignore this. Time was running out before Enid was back and preparing to use all means to stop me from doing what needed to be done. "Tell me the entire truth, what you think will be good for this world. Will it be better if I was dead, no longer throwing myself and my friends into danger, or will it be better if I was alive and here to protect them? No matter what you say my feelings won't be hurt, but I need your honest whole opinion." 

 He was still for a moment. I could tell he was thinking very, very hard about this, and knew he would give me his honesty and trust, he always had. I deeply appreciated this, that he was listening to me and no matter what he was my family and he was there for me. My whole life. When Mother and Father and Pugsley and Joel and Cousin Itt and Uncle Fester and Grandmama couldn't be there, he was. Always, and even when they were, he was in the background, waiting to protect me, to help me. He might look a hand, and he was, but he was also so much more. He was my friend, my family, he held somewhere special in whatever heart I had. I would protect him with my life. He was just too pure for this world. 

 Like Enid. 

 "Stay," he signed simply. "Stay and protect them. Stay and be with them. Live because of them. Live for their feelings, so they won't be hurt by your death on top of all the other bad things. Stay and live for them." I considered this. I really, really did. I really wanted to trust him more than anything then. But I couldn't wipe away the feeling that he just wanted to tell me to stay because of our friendship. 

 "Good-bye, Thing," I said miserably, the same soft tone I'd used with Enid. There. I'd said my farewells. I took a deep, shuddering breath and leveled the knife with the scar from when I was thirteen. I closed my eyes and stoked down swiftly. My eyes opened immediately from the pain. It was agonizing, but I would not let it show. Blood poured on the carpet. I leveled the knife at another scar, from when I was fourteen. I closed my eyes again, and this time clenched my teeth to keep in the gasp of pain that came to my teeth when the second stroke was slashed open. More blood rained down. I couldn't stop the sharp breath, the slight squeak of pain that escaped me. The scar from fifteen years old was next. It opened. I could feel the blood leaving me, the pain so much I fell to my knees. Thing was grabbing my hand, signing frantically, "STOP! STOP!" But I didn't. 

 I couldn't. 

 I raised the knife for the last time, the last knife I would ever raise, the last time I would ever have. "Thing, give this knife to Enid and tell her to fight for this school," I choked out, my words shuddering as my eyes slammed shut in pain. Blood poured from my slashed arm as I got to my feet. "Thing, relay the following messages. Or write them down." I began:

 "To Mother and Father, I know you wanted Nevermore to be my home, but it couldn't last forever. To Pugsley, you must last more than two weeks tops without me. To Uncle Fester, you were a great help, and did everything you could. To Cousin Itt, I haven't seen you even since I was maybe thirteen, but I remember when you showed me your face. To Cousin Itt's young son What, I don't know you yet, but come to Nevermore when you grow. To Grandmama, you were a great help the last we were together, though none of us thought I would die first. To Eugene, I know hummers stick together, but every bee dies once they sting, and my sting has fallen. To Lucas and Ajax, I don't give a crap what happens, but don't break any of my friends. To Yoko and Divina, take care of everyone, goodness knows you two are Enid's emotional support. To Bianca, I'll fence you in hell when you get old and wrinkled and come up there to meet me. To Xavier, when I said good-bye to you last term it was for good, even though I didn't mean it that way. To Sheriff Galpin, my work here is done, and I must retire-please do believe the next Addams who comes here, no matter how crazy her claims seem. To you, Thing, you have always been the most loyal family member I could ask for." I took a deep breath; my voice was weakening as I bled. "And to Enid, take this knife and protect this school, I will be watching."

 "Now, Thing, I must think where best to do it and hide myself, perhaps my death will remain a mystery-" Thing frantically finished writing and scuttled off. I don't know where he was going, nor did I care. I was going to be gone, and that was what mattered. I was bad-for myself, for the ones around me, for this world. I had to go. It was like Rowan had said, the words cutting deep into me as painfully as the self-harm scars. 

The only way to stop this is if you leave.