A Hopeful Love

Chapter Five: Life and Death

She stopped to cough again, and then it looked like she fell to sleep again, but with her eyes closed she continued, “Then there was fresh air blowing once again in my face!  I tried to breathe.  It hurt.  I took shallow breaths, one more breath, and then another.  ‘Keep breathing!’ I commanded myself.    Had to survive… make sure kids did.” 

She patted her cheek.  It had been her way of asking for a kiss though my whole life.  I kissed it, and my heart hurt because it was too hard, the bone jutting out. 

She whispered, “Of course, my amazing soldiers made it. Sorry for doubting you.  Only a small part of me wondered.  It was so dangerous.”  

I laughed to reassure her that my feelings weren’t hurt, “Trust me; we wondered if we were going to make it too.”

She looked at me, face very serious, “I hope to hear that story.”

“I’ll tell you Mama.  Don’t worry.”

“I still don’t know what it was that blocked my air.  Maybe a vehicle parked there for a little while?  Then they drove forward?  That is my guess. Anyway, days and nights passed, quieter and quieter.  Days of total silence, except that small river, more like a trickle at this point, through the corner of our room. The smoke escaped out the hole in the ceiling.   Slowly the air inside our room cleared as smoke escaped and dust settled.  I could see again.    

I spent most my time by the hole. Thirst or hunger would win over fatigue and I’d crawl- felt dizzy if I stood- to the trickle and search through the debris to find one or two squished strawberries.  I knew I was slowly starving.  I didn’t have much time left.”

I was crying inside listening to her story.  But, she surprised me by laughing, “You are so like me.  Listening and not showing your emotion.  You are my steady girl.  That’s good, that allows the person telling the story to just feel how they feel, tell their story honestly without your emotions mucking it all up until they don’t know their own story or feelings.”

“I am like you Mama.” I agreed.  At least in that one way I silently amended.  We both hid our emotions from strangers.  But, she was way more emotional than me and showed it- especially anger- with loved ones.  I rarely showed my emotions, to strangers or even family.  Usually it was just because I didn’t feel emotions very strongly.  Mitch said I was a calm pool and he was like the waves in the ocean, always rising and falling.

Mama continued, “Just remember, hiding emotions is useful when hearing someone’s story, but reading Daddy’s story you are going to see times that hiding my emotions hurt me.  There are times you need to open up to people, okay?”

“Okay. I will.” Whatever. I wasn’t going to argue, but showing your emotions just made you look weak.  It was a burden to others.  No one would really be there for you anyway.  The only person you could rely on was yourself.  And, for me, there was also Mitch.

My mom’s next words startled me out of my reverie.

She whispered hoarsely, “I think we better move; need to get out of Alume.  There is a lot of danger from the Rachiese.  Also a danger you don’t know about.  I don’t think it will be long before our own people blow away Alume.”

WHAT?  That was crazy…

“What are you talking about Mama?” She’s delusional I thought.  A long time without food can do that to a person.

“Soldiers were given orders to blow up various bombs hidden throughout Alume… if community collapsed.  Supposed to check for survivors before, and then detonate.  I haven’t heard anyone until I heard you digging away at the tunnel.”