Parallel

First Parallel: TO DUST

Bearing in mind that this is the last holidays that we will ever have, I asked my wife if I can spend it with Irene. That may sound heartless but I have to.
I needed this. Just this one time.. for the last time.

Laguna Estate- Greggy and Irene's

***
Irene's standing in the kitchen island preparing what would be, our first noche buena.
My chemotherapy will start as soon as the new year is over, so I needed at least a week to do lab tests to prepare for my first session.

After Christmas, I will have to say goodbye to her. For good. I promised myself that if I survived this ordeal, that I will just be loving her from afar. I will no longer drag her to something she doesn't deserve. She deserves to be called wife, she deserves to have a home. She deserves to be someone's priority. She deserves to be flaunted. She deserves to have children. All the things that I cannot give her, she deserves all those.
But if I don't get to beat this shit? Then I will be comforted by the thought that it's her that I loved until my very last breath.

I am secretly filming her. I do not have much pictures of us together because of our situation, but I know she got plenty. I hope that would be enough to anchor her back to the life she turned her back into when she agreed to be with me.

'Daddy.. gutom ka na? Stop taking pictures.'
"Video to. And yeah, gutom na ako."

She asked me to sit down but I won't until we have our first Christmas picture together.

"Picture tayo, My. Mommy.. picture, halika, bilis."
'Phone ko na lang, Dy. Pwede?'

I wanted to tell her that I want them on my phone so when I am undergoing treatment, I have something to draw my strength upon.

"Pwede sa pareho? Last naman na, Mommy. Sige na?"
'Baka kasi makita nila. Ang dami dami ko ng utang na sakit sa pamilya mo, hindi ko na kayang bayaran. Wag na natin dagdagan, ha?'

I pull her closer to me. I never wanted to say goodbye. If only, Irene. If only.

"Mahal na mahal kita, Irene."
'I love you, Greggy. I love you.'

We took several pictures before we go back to the kitchen. It's always here that we would share a meal. The dining room is too big for the two of us.But I do pray, that someday, Irene will be able to cook a meal worthy of preparing inside the dining area. She will make such a wonderful wife. If only she can be mine.

After we finished our meal, I volunteered to do the dishes. I wanted her to look back on this day with so much love and happiness, no matter how painful our goodbye may be. She agreed but she won't leave me alone. She put her arms around me and I know she's crying already. I am starting to feel parts of my shirt getting wet.

"Mommy? Merry Christmas."
'Hmmm.'
"Sus. Sabi ko Merry Christmas ehh."

But instead of answering me, she just pull me closer to her. No words needed. I know what she wanted to tell me. Her actions are enough to let me know.

"I love you too."

Alam ko na mali. Alam ko na hindi dapat. And I am not here to give excuses. But sometimes, love makes us do things that are irrational and unfair and selfish, things that do not conform to the values of this world, because no matter how evil our actions were, that's when we feel the most alive.