48 Hours In Hell

Why Me?

I just want to book a birthday trip for myself.

I've never felt like anything I've ever done was good enough to celebrate but for once, I just want to treat myself to something good. So I'll pick a cottage far away from my house that looks beautiful. I don't care how much it is, I just want to experience something good. I want to feel happy.

Unfortunately, that just isn't possible for someone like me.

To give you some background, I am trapped in an abusive relationship with someone I am no longer in love with. How could I love him though? Why should I feel bad to admitting I don't love him? Why am I scared?

As a matter of fact, I would rather fucking kill myself then be with him for another day. Everyday I wake up wondering "WHY ME". I wish this would all end but- killing myself would take courage, which I clearly don't have... If I had the courage, I would use that to leave him but I just don't have the energy. I'm tired. So tired.

I know if I don't play my cards right, I will be paying for it later so I guess it's time for me to pretend I'm in love again. God this is fucking exhausting. You have no idea how hard it is to put a smile on my face. It's all an act.

THIS IS ALL A FUCKING ACT.

I hope someone can see my agony.

Everyday I hope someone can recognize my misery.

Look into my eyes and tell me you see my fucking pain.

Tell me how my eyes are matte.

Tell me how there's no life left.

I feel so alone.

I need someone to save me.

I want to be saved.

Please someone save me.