Everything to Me

4.

He was looking around as if for the first time and spotted Juliette sitting by the banks, reading.

"Hey," he said. "Mind if I join?"

"Yes, actually. I do," she replied, without looking up at him, but he sat down anyway.

"And here I thought I was saving you from you fear, Smarty."

"Well, in all honesty, I like it."

She still had not looked up from her book but he could tell she had stopped reading.

"How can one even like their fear?"

She finally looked at him. "Do you even know what my fear is?"

He thought for a moment and shook his head.

"It's not reading against a tree, Sirius... it's... being alone."

His eyes widened and softened almost instantly.

"I - I am sorry, I didn't know," he sighed, his tone going from sarcastic to soft.

"I don't want your pity, Sirius," she said with a smile. "I am okay."

"I get it... but hey! You're not alone. You have James and Lily and Marlene and Remus and Peter and me!

"Do I?" She asked, somewhat sadly.

Sirius was not expecting the counter question.

"Tell me the last time people talked to me properly? Including you."

He thought for a moment and it saddened him that he had to think. That he couldn't simply answer 'yesterday!' or 'just before the class!'

"I - um suppose your birthday? On Christmas."

"You're right," she said softly. "It was on Christmas."

He smiled in response, happy to get it right before realizing that it was over 3 weeks ago. Since then, he had not seen anyone talk to her for more than 10 minutes, including her own brother. In fact, the midnight meeting in their room happened because the boys were also hungry themselves.

He had never realized it. His mind played back all those times he saw her sitting in a group of people silently but not sharing in their jokes or laughter.

"...oh..." was all he could say.

"The truth is, Sirius," she sighed. "I know I can be very condescending and people can see that but well... once they rejected me, my condescending personality was all I had... I slowly learned how to be alone and now... well, people seem to hold a grudge against me for something they made me do, even if unintentionally..."

"Hey, we never rejected you... Why would we?" He asked, taking her hand in his.

"You did not. No one did. At least not directly..."

She looked up at him, her hazel eyes reflecting the snow around. "I have always been interrupted... my excitement always been dampened by some new prank plan, or letters from an angry sister... and while I don't blame them, they never came back to me after... as if... as if..."

"As if they didn't care about what you had to say..." he completed, his heart breaking for the girl in front of him. The girl so full of confidence she could stare down even the fifth years. She talked to the teachers with a sense of maturity as if simply conversing with a peer. She never faltered with her words, even while presenting in front of the class or asking a doubt.

He had always admired this about her. The way she did not let others define her. He knew that others were intimidated by her and held it against her but not once did she hold it against them. Even though she used the word condescending, she never acted superior to others. She always greeted everyone with a smile and was ever ready to help.

"Exactly. So in the end, it feels like it won't matter if I exist or not. Nobody will notice anyway. Honestly, I am happy being alone, Sirius. While it wasn't my choice at first, I have grown to like it. Besides, I have mom and dad." She said, gently taking her hand away from his and got up to leave.

"But that's not it's supposed to be," he replied, standing up with her. He remembered how James used to be worried about how homesick Juli was in the first year but his worry went away eventually. They thought that was because she had started feeling better but now he realized that the siblings had stopped talking as much and she had just stopped expressing herself.

"You don't have to worry about me, Sirius. I like being alone... with myself and my thoughts... truly... besides, you should not keep Carla waiting."

Too focused on her, Sirius had forgotten about his girlfriend. They had been going out since only 3 weeks, anyway.

He hated that Juliette was pushed into being alone to the point where she became comfortable with it and being with others was the unusual for her. This didn't seem to be right.

He knew how loneliness felt but trying to be around people and feeling lonely hurt more. Something he had learned during his family's parties. He had found comfort at Hogwarts but she hadnt.

"I am so sorry we made you feel this way Juliette... No one should... Hogwarts is our home you know..." he said, heart filled with guilt.

"I am glad you found your home here, Sirius," she said with a smile. "I never did."