would've could've should've | the dance of the dragons

the silver seahorse

"Does he want marriage at all? I mean he seemed like...", Rhaenyra opened her arm and looked at the confused Alicent. She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. "Are we even sure that he likes girls? Or men? Or anything?."

Alicent snorted. "Just because his actions aren't salient like Aegon or Daeron's, doesn't mean he doesn't have his fair share of incidents.", she let out a hiccup and then covered her mouth with a slight shame. "Sorry."

"You've drunk too much."

"Because my baby boy is going to get married."

"Why are you crying?", Rhaenyra frowned and crawled away from her a little.

"I am not!", Alicent said with tears in her eyes. "I just want him to be happy, he deserved that."

"Of course he does bu-"

"You don't understand.", Alicent closed her eyes. "Ever since that incident in Driftmark-", Rhaenyra visibly shivered. "-he closed himself off. He doesn't open himself to anyone anymore."

"You are being unfair. He talks to you."

"What do you think he talks me about?", she sadly smiled. "If Criston treats me alright if Criston hurts me if Criston forces me into things.", she closed her eyes so the tears wouldn't go down. "If I am happy, if I had nightmares, if the kids are causing problems, if Aegon is going down again, did Helaena and the kids eat enough, what is Daeron's problem, why Criston was lumping the other day if he is needed in the council, do I need to talk and such. He only asks questions about me and about our family. But he withdraws even a little information about himself."

"He doesn't want to be a burden.", Rhaenyra said, playing with the hem of her dress.

"I tried too hard to protect him and the kids from my unhappiness. It breaks my heart to see that I had failed and now Aemond is paying its consequences."

"You did a great job. You managed to replace father's absence in their lives."

"But did I?", she looked directly into her eyes. "If I did then pray tell, why all of my kids still are a mess? Why they are still hurt over him? It's been 15 years Nyra."

"I think it's because he was alive and there and well at the beginning. If he would be simply dead, it wouldn't hurt this much. It is the knowledge that he was there but would rather do anything but spend time with you. It is the neglect that hurts and the more father neglected them more you cuddled them and now that they grow up, they cannot find the balance."

"Especially Aegon.", Alicent whispered.

"Especially Aegon.", Rhaenyra approved. "He breaks my heart the most. Seeing him trying to do his best with Helaena and the kids but failing hurts me because I know it hurts him. He is trying not to be a father so much that he doesn't see the damage he is doing to himself. Alcohol is an escape for him."

"If he can't remember-"

"He can't be held responsible."

"I just want them to be happy.", her voice cracked. "All of them. I want Aegon to stop blaming himself for every little thing happening, I want Helaena to have more connection with the world not worrying herself about everything, and I want Aemond to have his own life. He deserves it. He deserves to love someone and have someone who loves him, you've seen him with children, you know how much he loves them. He deserves that too. And Daeron? He needs a purpose again."

"The only person that can help them is themselves. You and I can't do anything."

"I am trying not to force them, especially not Aegon and Helaena because their situation is a bit more complicated and sensitive. But with Aemond and Daeron? I can actually do something so why wouldn't I?"