Lost Change - Snippets

Getting Cold Wings

Do I want Nate to want children? Or do I want him to not want them?

Will I be a good mother, if we decide we do want children?

The sound of someone backwinging reached my ears, and I looked up to see a red dragonet landing on a branch near me. I flattened my ear tufts as I saw who it was.

She took a second longer to recognize me, but I saw when she did. She made a face as if somebody had just buried a perfectly good sunburst berry in a pile of manure, and flicked out a wing in a gesture of disdain. "Oh. You're still here. I thought your Kymari master was supposed to have taken you away by now."

"Hello, Karen. No, we don't leave until tomorrow." I turned away from her and looked back down at the stream. What would be the fastest way to get her to leave...

"That is not my name." The red glared at me like I had been the one to ruin the aforementioned hypothetical sunburst berry.

"Oh, I know. But a friend who had a run in with you suggested it, and I think it fits you so well that I've decided to call you that."

Karen's eyes narrowed, and I saw her grip tighten a little on the branch, but she didn't move towards me. She might have gotten away with attacking Nate, but I knew there was no way she would get away with attacking another member of the flock. Not without serious provocation first, and making fun of her name did not count for that. So she just glared at me instead - and specifically, at the harness Trenil had given me. "Tomorrow cannot come soon enough, then. The fewer of you that are around, the better."

I snorted, knowing exactly what she was talking about. I started to hurl another verbal barb Karen's way... but instead I took a slow breath.

Maybe I had just spent too much of my energy into worrying, and had none left for anger. Or maybe Nate's tendency to think through problems was rubbing off on me. Or maybe I had learned a bit of wisdom from Trenil.

Probably a bit of all three.

"I'm sorry."

The scarlet blinked, and I heard confusion and surprise in her voice. "You... what?"

I suddenly felt a little guilty. I had a sad feeling that she probably hadn't heard those words that often.

"I'm sorry. For being rude just now." I looked up from the stream to watch her. "Nate wanted to tell you he was sorry, too. He mentioned it a while back, and asked me to pass it on if I ever saw you. That he wanted to apologize."

Fury began to rise in the other dragonet's eyes at the mention of the silver dragonet's name, but I ignored it and continued. "For what happened to you. And for his part in it, even unwittingly. He wanted you to know that he was sorry about what happened to you, and that you weren't able to see your child again."

We were silent for a long moment as I watched hurt and hatred war for control of the red dragonet's expression. I had a tiny flicker of hope that she might be about to do the right thing... but my ear tufts fell as I saw anger win out.

"You can tell that scumbag that he can stuff his apology. He can keep it, and everything else about him, to himself. I want none of it." The branch cracked a little as her grip tightened on it more.

I stared at her for a long moment.

Before I had met Nate, I probably would have been angry back at her. For insulting my friend. For insulting me. For being so mean. For robbing me of the chance to show Nate a Morning Song with the full flock, and to let him experience that unique experience that was such a core part of being a dragonet. For all the plans I had once had which she had ruined. I would have been mad that somebody had chosen to act the way she did, and especially to people who were just trying to help.

But... I had met Nate.

"I met someone this year who taught me a lot about hate. About what it can do to you to hate someone, even when it is perfectly legitimate. Even when that person deserves every bit of your hate, because of what they did to you. He showed me that hate can numb the pain you might feel from something horrible that happened to you... but that in the end, even though it can feel really good to hold on to the hate, even though it can feel right, and like holding on to the hate is exactly what should happen, and everything that your target deserves... hatred will only hold you back from ever healing that pain. It will shut you off from finding happiness."

I looked down at the stream again.

"He also taught me about letting go of hate. Not of saying what happened was okay, not of saying that what the person who wronged you did was somehow acceptable, but just... of not letting it stand in his way anymore. Of accepting that it had happened, and of grieving over it, and then of moving past it. He taught me how very, very hard that can actually be. How much that can hurt to do." I paused for a moment, remembering back to a conversation several months past, when Nate had been released into the wild after his wing had healed. Of how worried I had been in the days after that conversation... and of how at peace Nate had sounded when he finally spoke to me again. "And he taught me how it can finally allow you to heal."

I sat up on the branch and moved to a launching posture, getting ready to spread my wings and fly off... but I stopped for a moment and looked back at the red dragonet. "I hope one day you're able to let go of your hate. Not for Nate's sake, or mine. But because I'm sad to see how much it is hurting you to hold on to it like this, and I hope one day you're able to heal, too."

The anger on her face had melted, and now only confusion and hurt met my gaze. I spread my wings and dropped down from the branch.

"Goodbye."

~

I landed on Trenil's shoulder as the sun began to sink into the horizon. The gentle reds and oranges would soon be fading to soft purples, then to the darkness of the night. I looked back at the trees leading into the park and tried to fix them into my memory.

Trenil's hand came up to stroke over my back, and I thrummed softly in response. He turned his head to look at me, and I saw the familiar smile grow on his face that I knew came from his knowing I was nearby. "Are you ready to leave?"

I closed my eyes, just picturing the various memories I had of my home in the park. Of all the moments of life I had experienced there. Of all the friends who still lived there.

"No."

I opened my eyes slowly and looked back up at Trenil, seeing the confusion start to form on the large green face. I leaned up and nudged his cheek with my head, tickling him with my ear tufts.

"But I'm ready for my new home."