Crisis Of War

{ LXVI }

'Just shut up.' Brandon sneers at his brother, before giving me a pathetic smile. 

Filled with pity... 

I hate pity. 

I hate that everything feels so disorientated. 

I hate that he's not here to ground me. 

To ground us all. 

Because it feels like everyone is all over the place. 

'I think you should keep them.' Marco continues, ignoring everyone else, as he keeps his eyes on me and takes a step forward. 

'Good thing I didn't ask you.' I reply, wanting to stop whatever this is. 

I just want to go back to my room and lock myself up again. 

'Leon wouldn't have wanted you to-' 'I don't care what he would or wouldn't want me to do, because he's fucking gone!' I shout, startling everyone else. 

Because Marco isn't the only one who has barely been talking lately. 

'So shouldn't you-' 'That's enough.' Marco looks at Leya, protest evident in his eyes, but shakes his head as he leaves again. 

'Neveah, I-' Brandon sighs deeply and steps forward, moving closer to me, 'I'm so sorry, he's an idiot.' 

He's not wrong.

Tiago would want me to keep the children. The twins... I know that too. 

But that doesn't make any of this easier. 

How am I supposed to raise two kids on my own? How am I supposed to do the one thing we both wanted more than anything in the world, on my fucking own? 

'I'm going back to my room.' I mutter as I turn around, feeling Leya's hands on my arm. 'I'll help you.' 

She takes me to the room and watches as I climb into the same mess of a bed. The sheets are all messed up and the pillowcases are barely holding on. 

'Do you want to go for our daily walk later?' She asks, moving to the edge of the bed. 

That's a new thing she wants me to do. 

Go for a walk with her every day, just so that I get out of the house. So that I keep going. 

'Do we have to?' I ask as I try to get comfortable in the bed again, 'We already went out today?' 

We even got food on our way back from the hospital. Even if I barely ate anything, we went out longer than we normally do. 

And even though I should enjoy it all, I can't. 

I fucking can't. 

I'm just freaking out and I don't know what to do. 

I don't want to move on, but I don't want to stay in this endless cycle of pain either. 

I just want everything to stop. 

'That's why I'm asking you.' She says as she slowly climbs closer to me. 

'What are you doing?' She places her head on my stomach and gets comfortable by wrapping her arms around me. 'Hanging out with you.' 

'You don't have to-' 'I want to.' She intervenes. 

I should laugh. I should tell her that everything is fine and that everything will be fine. 

But I can't. 

I can barely move, I can barely blink, I can barely breathe. 

It's dramatic, I know that, but I can't stop it.