Lost Change - Snippets

Alone

I almost... how could I have been about to...

I closed my eyes and walked slowly backwards, slipping out of the squirrel drey. No... the squirrel nest. I let go of the branch and dropped into the air, spinning over and spreading my wings out to catch the air, gliding away from the squirrels.

~

Susie whined and dropped to the ground. She could tell something was wrong, but didn't understand what. I could tell it was bothering her - she had tried licking me, and knocked me over with the force of her nudges, and licked me more as her tail wagged happily back and forth behind her... but she could tell it hadn't helped.

The border collie whined again, looking at me and slowly wagging her tail.

What am I supposed to do? How do I do this? She needs food. I need to kill... I have to...

I looked away from the dog and stared out at the horizon. Towards where the city had been. Towards the explosion.

I need something to drink.

~

I drank my fill from the simple stream... then I backed away as Susie crashed into it.

I stretched out on the warm rocks and smiled as the dog bounded happily back and forth through the cool water. A happy growl came from her as splashed around in the water that came up to her belly... then she yipped suddenly and jumped out of the stream.

What had that been? I jumped up and ran towards the dog, who was now whining and staring into the water. She had one leg bent up, holding it off the ground, but it didn't seem to be hurt. Her damp fur clung to it, but I didn't see any blood or other signs of injury. I leaned over to nudge lightly at the paw, but Susie just wagged her tail a little and licked at my back.

She wasn't hurt, then. So what had caused her to jump out of the water like that?

I looked back at the stream and stared into it for a long moment... and my ear tufts lifted in excitement as I caught the silvery flickers in the water. Fish!

It wasn't a very big fish, but it was still a fish. I could see it drifting through the water and watching the surface. Looking for bugs, maybe? What did that fish eat? What even was that fish?

The encyclopedia in my head helpfully informed me that it was a 'largemouth bass'. It was young, and would need to find a much bigger stream to live in if it got much older... but for now, it would be able to survive off the random bugs and smaller fish that it came across.

My ear tufts lowered as I watched the fish drift lazily through the water.

It was just a dumb fish. It wouldn't have any family to miss it. No children that would starve to death if it disappeared. No dead humans that it had known and been attached to. No mate to miss it, no parents to mourn it. No name. I could slice easily through its spine, and that would be it. No suffering. No pain. Not even any tears.

Just food for Susie. Just another week of health and vigor for my friend.

Susie whined next to me. I looked up at her and saw her tail had sagged again, and she was watching me. Her tail started to wag slowly, knowing something was wrong, and she leaned down to lick at me. Then she nudged me with her nose, causing me to wobble back and forth on the ground.

I took a deep breath.

You have to.

I stretched out my wings and jumped into the air, circling and preparing to strike into the stream...

~

Susie sniffed at the chunk of fish in front of her... then her tail began wagging a mile a minute. She growled and bit into it, scarfing it down as fast as she could.

I looked away from her and stared into the stream. Somewhere the fish's head was sinking to the bottom of the stream. The head my claws had effortlessly severed from its body. The body Susie was now devouring. Somewhere the fish's bones were drifting along, following the current to wherever it would take them. Bones I had pulled out of the meat with my bare hands, then thrown into the water, to keep them from cutting Susie's stomach. Somewhere...  Somewhere, the stream was carrying away all the evidence of what I had done.

But it didn't carry away the memories. The feel of the fish struggling in my grip when I had scooped it up out of the water. The sight of it flopping around on the shore as it tried to get back to the water. The sound of Susie running around and barking in excitement, and the sound of the fish's tail slapping desperately against the dirt and rocks. The smell of blood when I had sliced razor sharp claws through the flesh of another living - now dying - creature. The taste of vomit in my mouth as I tried not to throw up while reaching into the fish's corpse to scoop out its bones.

The knowledge of what I had just done.

You had to.

I turned my head away from the stream and stared at my claws. They didn't seem as bright anymore. I had washed them, had cleaned off the sticky fluid that had coated them, but I could still see spots on them. Marks, from where the red liquid had coated my claws as it flowed out of a once-living creature.

The life that had bled out onto my hands.

Onto the hands of a killer.

Susie finished eating the fish while I was still staring at my claws. She came over and sat next to me with another whine, able to read my fallen mood, and licked at me again. Tried to cheer me up.

I tried very hard not to think about what was covering her tongue.

She gave up after a moment of trying and just stretched out on the ground instead. I crawled up on top of her and stretched out on her side, and let the steady rise and fall of her breathing calm me down.

We stared at the stream for a moment and watched the water flow by... then I closed my eyes.

I had been wrong.

There were some tears, after all.