Breaking Through

Breaking Through, ep2. - Gay panic.

Gaby stands still in Ray's Kitchen. Cold drink in her hand, her boyfriend Zack not far next to her. Loud music carries through every room and vibrant happy youths fill the house, the party, the atmosphere. Her chest rises up and down in a steady, but increasingly rapid breathing, as she looks into her phone on her hand. "You have no idea how relieved I am..." Sophie's text glows through Gaby's phone screen. Gaby shots her eyes quickly to try and erase the stampeding flashbacks in her head. Her lips...her soft, warm, sweet lips. "Stop it" Gaby snaps at herself, chugging whatever drink she was holding hoping the alcohol will blur some of the images her mind kept on replay. A burning sensation fills her throat; Gaby coughs it out...was that whiskey? Her skin, her smell, her long brunette hair. In frustration Gaby runs to the fridge in search for another drink...beer will do.

Gaby loved that part of herself where she was always able to keep calm and assess situations. She took pride in her ability to solve conflict, but this...this Gaby could not control; a strange vivid feeling spreading all over her nerve endings. "Its fine, it's just new that's all. Don't panic" she repeats to herself as she walks towards Zack, grabbing his arm and placing it around her own waist; an invitation he happily accepts with a kiss on her lips. A kiss that she returns with indifference.

"Hey, you ok?" - he asks.

"Yeah, why?" - a surprising defensive tone catches Gaby abruptly. "Yeah, sorry. I think I might be reaching my alcohol intake for the night." She smirks awkwardly quickly hiding her anxiety and nervousness behind a somewhat fake drunkenness.

"So, where's Sophie?" Hannah asks. It was unusual to not see them together.

"How should I know?" - Again that defensive tone, what is going on? Gaby can't seem to hold steady tonight.

"Geez, somebody might be hangry."

"Sorry, I'm a little off tonight. Um, I think she went home. She did say earlier today she felt tired." At least this wasn't a complete lie and Gaby embraces the feeling of being somewhat honest. After Sophie's own queer awakening and journey of acceptance, she felt exhausted and decided to skip tonight's party, something that caught Gaby off guard on top of her own surprising discovery of this new current of surreptitious feelings.

The night goes on and the party thins down as curfews most be met. The atmosphere relaxes and the kids that are privileged to a later home check-in time sit around the comfy living room's fireplace. Topics of conversation don't stray too far from the average teen affairs; who liked who and who is the male alpha amongst the group of young boys. Gaby's discomfort grows as the grip of Zack's arm beside her holds her tighter. His arm felt uncomfortable, she needed to shift, to take a brake. A bathroom brake seems appropriate right about now...bathroom; wait...her breath, her warmth. Kitchen! Yes...another drink.

For the first time all night she feels at peace when she finds Ray in the kitchen prepping more snacks for his guests. Ray and Gaby have been friends for as long as she can remember, probably since kindergarten, and their relationship had more of a warmth fraternal feeling than a romantic one, everyone knew that. Gaby couldn't help but to come to Ray and hug him from behind.

"Hey, Raylee. What you been up to all night? I have barely talk to you" - Ray liked to think that Gaby was the female version of him.

A big long sigh comes out of Gaby as she just felt like embracing Ray's closeness.

"Hey, hey. What's wrong?" Ray put down his utensils to turn around to look at Gaby. For a split second Gaby considers confiding, but a loud burst of laughter coming from the living room snaps her out of it. It's nothing, she thinks.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just tired" Yeah, that's probably it. She just needs to rest.

"Is Zack being a dick again? I'll kick his ass Gabs."

"Oh no, no need. At least not tonight." She smiles at him.

"Ok, but you let me know. I won't let him pull that shit again on my lil' sis." Zack had broken up with Gaby a few weeks ago over some stupid stuff only to beg her forgiveness a day later. There were rumours that Zack had been wanting to ask some other girl out and when he was rejected he crawled back to Gaby.

"Lil' sis? You are like a week older than me."

"A week is a week, and that gives me seniority rights. I have a full week experience over you. That makes me wiser, respect the wisdom."

They both chuckle. Ray grabs the snack tray and his drink and bumps against the door frame as he heads out.

"Oh, Ray. How much have you had tonight?" Gaby grabs Ray's cup to discover only water in it.

"Not a single drop. My parents would kill me if this place ends up a wreckage. I need to be sober to take care of these maniacs we call our friends. I...I just forgot my contacts in the locker room." Ray was on the swimming team.

"You do realize this is your house right? Or are you really that blind, just go get your glasses." Said Gaby teasing.

"Yeah, I know. I just don't...I like where my social status stands thank you very much." Ray felt that his heavy spectacles didn't enhance his charming good looks.

"And yet, you are drinking water."

"Well they don't know that, do they? And see, without my contacts my vodka tonic over here appears more authentic." Ray says as he takes his water cup back from Gaby and moonwalks out of the kitchen. He rather not see than to jeopardize his popularity card.

Zach enters the room as Ray joins the rest in the living room. Gaby suddenly remembers she needed another drink.

"Hey, how's the most beautiful girl in school doing in here? You need help babe?"

Gaby helps herself to another beer followed by the fizzing sound of the freshly opened bottle. She takes a big sip and before she notices Zack is holding her, planting a kiss on her lips. Gaby returns the kiss haphazardly at first, but her intoxication was finally creeping up on her. Her skin feels Zack's touch on her lips but her brain feels someone else. Gaby slowly closes her eyes and feels Sophie's lips on hers, her hair between her fingers and their bodies pressing against each other. She feels their hungry embrace and the sharp feel of physical desire translating that into the one she is now sharing with Zack, until his unshaven beard stubble scrapes Gaby's chin and snaps her out of her fantasy.

"Ok, Zack, easy."

She realizes the increasing force Zach is using to maintain his grasp as she tries to ease out of it.

"Zack, that's enough."

When Zack refuses to slow down, Gaby finally pushes him. "Stop!"

"What the hell Gaby?" Zack complains.

"What? Look I'm sorry but I'm not feeling so good tonight."

"Yeah, I've noticed you've not been entirely you."

Gaby suddenly fears that her thoughts will show through and forces herself to indulge the boy standing in-front of her.

"I'm sorry. I know, me too. I've had this constant headache all day and just wont go away. I think I just need to sleep, I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Um, I think I'll just head home. I'll talk to you tomorrow yeah?" she says as she forces herself to hug her boyfriend and slide out of this party unnoticed.

After a quite uber ride home, she stands by the sink in her chamber's bathroom, brushing her teeth, cleaning the make up off. Just mindlessly carrying through her night routine. As she dries her face and catches her reflection on the mirror she can't help but study her own image. Her soft face features and smooth hair. Her gaze follows her neck to her own breasts behind her night shirt which she takes off to study the shape of them, their size and how inevitably they exist. Gaby takes a long look at herself, at her femininity, letting out the tears she had been holding since she walked out of that bathroom downstairs.

Gaby turns off her lights and crawls into bed. The still room is lit by moonlight and a faint streetlamp and the silence is filled with her sobbing whispers "I can't be...I can't be."