Sleepless (HIATUS)

04. best friends

"I just- can we please be friends?"

"F-fine," I stuttered. "Fine. I'll try."

I couldn't believe what I was saying. There was no way we could be friends. I could never trust him again. He breathed deeply.

"Look. I know that I might've ruined everything we had... But I've grown up a lot and I want to show you that. Even if all you want is a simple friendship. I think you still deserve to know how much I care about you. I just- can't fucking stand this anymore. You know? I hate it. I miss you."

"I have to get to class," I mumbled. The hallway was clearing out, leaving us like ghosts in an empty place. We were alone together for the first time in months and all I wanted was to escape the feelings inside me. The ones that still loved him. The ones that made me weak. Before he opened his mouth, I spoke again.

"We can be friends. But I don't trust you, okay? Not now, not any time in the future. Not after what you did."

"I don't expect you to," he whispered. "But I promise I'll do my best." Our eyes met, shy and hesitant. "The past couple months have been...-"

"Insanity?" I offered. He grimaced, nodding.

"Insanity," Austin agreed. "I haven't slept well," he admitted.

"That makes two of us."

There was a moment of silence, and he looked down the hallway, past my head. "We should get to class."

"Yeah."

"Can I hug you?" he asked, suddenly nervous and frantic again.

"What? No. Why?" I shrunk away.

"I just thought, since we're like- making up and being friends again... I'm not sure. It just seemed right."

He stepped forward and gave me a one-armed hug before speedily walking away, leaving my mind a mess, my conscious heavy.

•••

"You could put yourself up for adoption and move to somewhere else."

I thought about it.

"Nah. What else?"

Derrick popped a grape into his mouth and shrugged. "Arson." Before I could decline, he spoke again. This time, with a devilish smile. "Voodoo."

"I think we were getting warmer with 'adoption'."

"I have a brilliant and original idea," he offered. "Why don't you- oh, I don't know- try and be friends with him?"

My jaw set in place. Even if I let go of the anger inside me, I couldn't trust him. He wronged me. He denied our love. Thinking about the things I suffered through after that night... And how I suffered them alone because he was too big and masculine to tell anyone about us. It made me fucking sick.

"I'm trying," I replied halfheartedly. My friend raised an eyebrow.

"Hey man, do whatever makes you feel good. That's what I always say. Unless- I mean, I know it's hard to do things you're scared of. But there's a reason we do them. So...yeah. Think about it."

I didn't want to think about it. Pulling out a cigarette, I looked around at our surroundings. The park was a dead place at this time of year. The grass was matted down, browning in some places. Trees stuck out of the ground, bare and clacking, like skeleton hands. The sky was flat, and a chilled wind fell upon us, trying to carry our loose clothes away.
It was getting cold again.

"Derrick, can you light me?" I asked, words muffled with a cigarette between them, clenched in my teeth. He shrugged, and pulled a lighter out of his pocket, lending me a hand. I loved the way it felt, the smoke in my lungs. It was a nasty habit, but I wasn't really in the mood to break it. At least I wasn't drinking, too. My friend held his hand out, and I reluctantly gave him a smoke. He was always bumming them off me; we both knew I owed him for all the emotional support he gave me.