Fall Apart / / Billie Eilish

Eleven

She was panting, trying to catch her breath.

"sorry if i showed up without warning, but i gotta talk to you, if your not busy.
I have to tell you the truth"

At that moment i didn't know what was going on, nor of this truth that she kept me knowing.
I went out and closed the door without making too much noise.

We headed to a place where no one could ever see us or hear us. Our secret place.

We sat on a bench, which gave a view to most of the city.
I waited for Klaire to regain her regular breathing and then she spoke:

"i've been keeping this a secret for a long time, but it's time for you to know the truth" she said, a little unsure whether to really tell me or not.

"what are you talking about?" i asked in confusion

"she lied to you Billie"

"who lied to me? what the heck are you talking about Klaire, spit the toad!"
i said,  even more confused than before.

"Erika, she's not dead, she's alive"

"don't talk nonsense, she's dead, i saw her  with my own eyes" i blurted out

"yes .... that's what she wanted you to see. But i can make sure to you that she's alive
I saw her. And she hides.

I didn't know exactly what to say.
If she  was kidding me or if she was really telling the truth.

"i know where she is right now, but i can't take you to her.
You might be thinking that i am telling you nonsense, which is impossible, the fact she's alive. But trust me.
I would also think the same thing if i were in your shoes.
________

On my way home, a thousand thoughts and questions flashed through my head.
I could've sworn that was her body.

But then...that piece of paper i still have...

"you better hurry
cause i'm leaving soon"

... it was all a lie.

At that moment, all those nights came to mind. Nights, spent in white, spent crying, wondering why, reading and rereading that damn sentence on a stupid piece of paper.
I wanted to cry, but i couldn't.
I just had a strong feeling of anger and frustration.

I couldn't conceive that Erika was still alive, somewhere.
And even now, i was asking myself:

why?

I picked up the pace, as i just wanted to go home.
I felt so dizzy and confused.

So many emotions, hard to manage.
All at once.
_______

I lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, sobbing, as a tear ran down my face.
I stayed hugged to the pillow, until someone knocked on the door of my room.
I stood there, impassive.
I didn't want anyone to see me.
Not now.

After a few seconds, there was a knock again, and only then i decided to open.

I expected to be in front of my mom, but i found Claudia. She seemed worried about me.

"hey, what happened to you?" she asked, coming in

"don't worry, i just didn't feel good"

"are you sure? cause you look kinda shocked" she said

"yeah...maybe you're right ... i am" i said sniffling

"would you like tell me about it?"
she asked, sitting down next to me

"the fact is that something i believed in, was just a lie all this time"
i said, trying not to break in tears

"i don't know what concept you're talking about, but have you ever thought it just happened for your own good. To protect you?

"sorry but i can't think of anything good about it" i admitted

"whatever it is, i feel sorry for you"
she said, stroking my back

"do you remember Erika, everything that happened on that damn day?" i asked her

" yes, i remember well" she said, without taking her eyes off me

"Klaire, the most caring friend i've ever had, told me she's alive. She's never been dead.
It was all a lie and i can't stop wondering why. Why lie to me about her death.
It was so painful when i found she was dead, that i didn't even want to believe it. Imagine now, that i found out that she has always been alive all these years.
And i feel so confused and i don't know what to do" i said finally

Claudia wasn't sure what to say, but the fact that she was there with me, to comfort me was already a nice way to talk, even without opening her mouth.

After our chat, i felt much better.
Claudia was able to give me some advice on what i could do, and finally i thank her.

If she hadn't been there at the time, i probably would have gone mad.

I walked her to the door, and before she could leave, i gave her a big hug, thanking her again.

"let me know how you're feeling in the next few days" she said

"i will definitely" i said smiling her back

And she left.