salvation [rafe x barry]

ascension

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?
Mark 8:36

Rafe had fled to the deck of the ship to take care of "something". That fucking hassle with the gun last time around was not a thing Rafe was willing to go through again and he had kept Limbreys gun well hidden, tugged into the back of his pants under his shirt until he got to a quiet spot at the railing of the ship and he tossed it into the sea as far as he could.

He treated the whole act like a damn ritual and thought for a moment, that that was the last gun he'd ever touch, in his life. That they would arrive at the island and he wouldn't ever dare to put his finger on a trigger again, and everything would be different this time and he'd never go back to coke and he'd get a girlfriend or something and pretend he was normal and all that kind of shit. That he'd just step off this ship and leave it all behind in the outer banks, all the bad shit, and all the good shit too.

Rafes hands rested on the railing when his Father stepped up beside him, putting one hand in his neck in a way that made you hunch impulsively, that numbed you because Ward hit just the right spot, that spot little kittens had and their mothers would bite into to carry them around. A poor attempt at affection. These things came so naturally to Ward with Sarah but with Rafe he always had to try so hard and in the end, he missed anyways.

"I feel terrible that I let you walk into a situation like that", Ward started. Rafe didn't know what he was talking about, there were plenty of situations and he wanted to shrug but it felt wrong under Wards touch so he just groaned some undefined answer instead.

"That dealer, he was just out for your money", Ward started and Rafe felt as if he was hit. Those goddamn fucking girls and their loose mouths, my fucking god. "And he was using your vulnerable state of mind. He tied you to him with drugs and then preyed on you when you were alone and desperate and I can't forgive myself for letting that happen"

Rafe let out a sad scoff. "You're wrong", he said and it was funny, he had never said those words to his Father before. But he was wrong, because Barry did the exact goddamn opposite, if he did tie Rafe to him that would be something. Like Barry fucking cared enough.

"I understand if you can't see it, Rafe, he blinded you. And it's my fault that you even thought you needed the support of this man", Ward said and felt like a particularly great and honorable man, taking responsibility like that.

"I always just wanted to protect my family, you know that. The truth is, I realize now, I didn't do a great job at that. I let Sarah get lured in by John B and you have your brain scrambled by some trailer trash bastard.", Ward sighed.

Rafe didn't reply, just pressed his lips together looking out into the ocean and trying to hold back the tears. Maybe Ward wasn't so wrong after all. Barry had taken advantage of him, from the first damn time on, Rafe on his knees in his trailer. Rafe felt shame wash over himself. The only right thing to do back then would've been beating the shit out of Barry, like his Father had before.

Ward let his hand fall down, seemed as if he was finished with his little speech and Rafe had stopped replying quite some time ago anyways. Patiently, Rafe stayed as calm as he possibly could as his Father finally turned on his heels, keeping his shit together for just a moment longer, when Ward stopped mid turn.

"You're not..you're not actually gay, are you?", he sighed and Rafe lifted his head.

"I don't know..who or what I am, alright. I haven't known since..", Rafe said slowly and he thought. It wasn't since Peterkin, although that had been a blow. He'd never really known. He'd never really been, anything, of particular meaning.