my ghost (On Going) [Kennett TVD Fanfic]

- 2 -

Tw for unhealthy coping mechanisms, Bonnie's really not in a good or rational place

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Bonnie rubbed at her temples wearily as her head pounded relentlessly. She hadn't gotten much more sleep after she'd thought she'd caught a glimpse of Kol's reflection and she was now suffering the consequences of that in her 9 am occult studies lecture.

She'd considered briefly not enrolling in the class, Shane's manipulation of her still an open wound, but some little voice kept telling her she didn't know as much about her heritage as she should. So with a roll of her eyes and the reminder that her Grams would have been proud, she'd enrolled in the class. She was currently regretting that choice as she sat there with only a few meager hours of sleep in her system.

On the plus side, no one had noted her late-night escape to the common room so she hadn't had to explain her odd behavior this time. But it was only a matter of time before the relief of having Bonnie back wore away and they realized she wasn't the same anymore. Bonnie wasn't sure whether the thought of not pretending anymore filled her more with panic or relief. On the one hand, she didn't want to have to admit that she was not the same anymore, particularly not to her friends who had fought to bring her back. But on the other hand, she was tired of her current charade, tired of pretending that death hadn't changed her. She shouldn't have to pretend to be something she wasn't. After all, vampirism had changed Caroline and Elena, as did becoming a hybrid for Tyler and a hunter for Jeremy. But Bonnie hadn't really undergone any species change, she'd just... died. And she wasn't sure her friends would be able to accept the change that had brought about in her.

Eventually, her first lecture ended with only a pitiful amount of notes filling Bonnie's notepad. But she was too drained to really care as she made her way out of the lecture hall. Elena and Caroline would be on their way to their first lecture of the day, Jeremy left for classes at his new high school in McKinley before Bonnie had left for her lecture this morning, so she knew the dorm would be mercifully empty when she arrived.

She dropped her bag behind the door and beelined for her bed which she immediately dropped down onto. Hopefully, she'd be able to squeeze in a nap before her half-eleven class. Was this really what her life was supposed to be? Either supernatural chaos or mundanity? The drudgerous slog of everyday life with its overwhelming tedium that despite its banal repetition, Bonnie was struggling to keep up with. Or a world of danger and martyrdom where demons slept in every crack and shadow and you must choose to either swim or drown. Neither sounded appealing right now but this was what her friends had fought for.

But they'd also fought for the return of their oh-so-helpful town witch that they kept in their pockets to defeat the latest evil at any convenience. But Bonnie had no such magic currently, only a gaping hole in her chest where it had once been that had been slowly filling with the cold, hollow feeling of death with every soul that passed through her. Soon there may be nothing left of the girl she used to be. Just further broken pieces that were lost to a sea that she couldn't stay afloat in.

Reclining on her bed staring blankly at her ceiling, she almost craved the peace of the other side. It wasn't fair to her friends to want what she'd had but it couldn't be helped, she realized as her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks in a desperate attempt to stay awake.

Bonnie had gone to visit the Salvatore boarding house as she did often these days. Her time in death alternated between standing in on each of her friends' lives and trying to shake off Kol it seemed. Elena was occupied with halfheartedly packing as she laughed at Caroline's frantic planning over the phone all while trying to dodge Damon's attempts to distract her from both tasks. Bonnie smiled softly at the scene, while she wished she could be there packing for college while her and Elena exchanged fond eye rolls at their friend's retentive nature, it was almost more peaceful to just be an observer to the life she should have had.