FırBar - Confessions on the Edge

Confessions on the Edge

Barış stood on the balcony of his old flat- the same balcony he threw Savaş off of months earlier. Savaş was gone and so were the hallucinations but Barış couldn't shake the impulse to throw himself from the balcony, just to feel what Savaş felt suspended between life and death, falling. Barış felt haunted in his bones; gripping the railing, his hands exposed to the cold evening wind. He looked down over the edge, replaying the scene over and over. The sound of Savaş' body hitting the landing was amplified in his mind- like a bloodied, beating heart beneath floorboards. How much did it hurt to break so many bones in a single moment? Barış held onto the railing, contemplating what to do. Everything was over- Fırat was on his way over to arrest him. Büge didn't know he was alive. Can was probably scared of him. Savaş was gone forever. Five months had passed but life resumed where he'd left off. Maybe his destiny was to die in the same way Savaş had? Maybe that was the irony that sealed his fate and Savaş'? Neither could ever be whole. Where Barış lacked sanity, Savaş shared his stable mind. Where Savaş lacked emotion, Barış filled the void.

Behind him, Fırat approached the edge, a cigarette between his fingers. The warmth of the cigarette, burning through itself like Barış had done, lit up in a flicker. Fırat put his hand over Barış' freezing hand, sharing the warmth of the cigarette with his enemy. "Don't". Fırat said.

Barış felt Fırat's presence without even looking up. Instead, he remained focused on the Istanbul skyline. "Do you think he'll forgive me?". Barış asked, gesturing for the nearly burned away cigarette.

"Savaş?". Fırat pondered. "Do you honestly believe you're worthy of forgiveness Barış?  You killed your twin brother. It's not just a crime, it's a sin. I wouldn't if I were him".

Barış smiled sheepishly at his remark, scoffing as he took a final drag of the cigarette. "Part of me regrets hurting him. The other part would do it again". He replied, his eyes more focused on traffic in the distance. The warmth filled his lungs, sharing the same air as Fırat momentarily, before he exhaled.

"Well you hated him so-". Fırat began, taking back the burned out cigarette.

"No, I didn't". Barış immediately corrected him, finally looking him in the eyes. "Hatred takes a remarkable amount of agency Fırat. You have to be present and aware of it at all times". Barış explained. "You have to live it everyday".

"So- what then? You loved him?". Fırat turned to face him, scratching his chin in false contemplation. "Oh that's right- you tend to love people to death". Fırat mused. "It's just an excuse so you don't have to face yourself".

"You act like I'm cursed or something". Barış  joked. "Maybe I crossed a black cat?".

"You cursed yourself the day you killed Melike". Fırat added. "But unlike Savaş, she was innocent".

"You ought to thank Savaş". Barış replied in a very matter-of-fact way. "He's done the most amount of work to punish me. He's the only reason I lost control- the only reason why I confessed". Barış smiled. "It was all him".

"He's also the reason why you avoided serving seven life sentences. You deserve to be rotting in solitary". Fırat replied.

"Only the second time he's done something for me". Barış chuckled. "The first was dying of course". He turned to Fırat and shrugged, almost innocently.

"You might not hate Savaş, but I certainly can". Fırat smiled, fixing the plaid scarf around his neck.

"Is that all you feel now Savcı? Hatred?". Barış asked.

"Stop-". Fırat began.

Barış put his hand on Fırat's shoulder, almost like a concerned friend. "You can be honest with me. In fact, I might be the only person you can be honest with. Ironic, isn't it?". Barış added.