To Soojin: a story

Prologue

9:12 AM

"화려함 속에 가려진 활짝 핀 미소 뒤에 감춰둔..."

A small hum that echoed in the room faded as her voice began to quiver uncontrollably.

"네 모습은... 보이는 것처럼 예쁠까..."

Mornings and nights were always the worst for her. Every night, she'd fall asleep with thoughts in her head making everything just a little too loud, and every morning, she'd wake up to ear-piercing rings in her head that threatened to shatter the glass window panes in the room.

Life shouldn't be like this to her. Life shouldn't be like this at all.

Life should rewind. To that time when she was still alive. To two years ago, and stop.

But she knows that's impossible. Life doesn't just stop for you. It keeps going and kills those that can't keep up. She can't die yet.

She looked up. And saw light shining on her.

17 June 2022. The day she'd been looking forward to for the past two months, finally arrived. Strangely enough, she had been more worried about it for the past weeks than today.

A mask covered her face as she got on the bus, destination ( )I-DLE.

Her smile turned into a frown when she saw the new name of the group printed on the concert flyer. A piece was missing from its former self. It's not the (G)I-DLE she had been a part of for three years. It's just I-DLE. Without her.

"Please bloom, my dahlia," she prayed as she entered the venue. Screams around her quickly replaced the high-pitched echoes in her head as I-DLE entered. She looked up at the stage as lights highlighted the five figures. How she wished she was up there with them.

Her hand gripping the lightstick trembled as they concluded their first song. It was one she had heard too many times. It was one she couldn't find her voice in.

"Annyeonghaseyo! We are I-DLE," the five echoed with a bow towards the audience.

"I-DLE," she whispered, "annyeonghaseyo."

The concert passed with a blur. All she could think of was that the purple light was so bright on stage. That the crowd loved everything about them. That Soyeon's hair was black again. That Shuhua grew up so, so much. That Yuqi dyed her hair pink. That I-DLE was successful.

That she would never be on there with them.

She ignored the last thought and raised her lightstick as high as possible, waving along to the song.

Everything changed so much. And she loved every single fucking change.

It was her dream. For I-DLE to have a number one song. To go on a world tour.

And she was watching her dream unfold as an audience.

She knew every lyric by heart and sang along to every song. She would pause at the old songs when her part arrived and listen to whoever sang.

Strangely, she cried harder that day than any other day in the past year. Not even when she left (G)I-DLE. Not even when she left CUBE. She could see the girl sitting beside her glancing at her and was glad when she said nothing.

"1, 2, we are I-DLE, goodbye! Thank you very much," Soyeon started as they all waved towards the audience, smiles radiating off of their faces despite the past two-or-so hours of non-stop dancing.

She sat in her seat after the concert concluded, staring up at the confetti-covered stage. After a few minutes, when she was sure no one would step onto the stage again, she stood up, still holding her gaze towards the stage. Her head was telling her to leave the stadium, but her heart pulled her toward that stage.

The staircase leading up to the stage seemed steeper than it used to be, and the lights, though the concert had ended, was still brighter than ever. She climbed up the stairs and froze on the stage. Everything seemed so much larger than she remembered: the stage, the stadium, the props. She felt smaller than she remembered. It was like the stage was going to collapse at any moment and she'd fall straight through.

She wandered around the stage, trying to pull her memories away from the time when she'd be on here with them. She found herself sitting on the edge of the stage, legs dangling free. It was truly quite tall. She wondered if any of them got scared when they came to the edge of the stage.

"Excuse me? The concert has ended, please exit the venue, or else I'll have to call security," she heard a familiar voice yell. Her tears were threatening to spill once more as the voice brought back so many memories she had locked away.

She stood up and turned around, tears still shining in her eyes, and smiled. "Oppa?"

It was truly a surprise, having not seen her for almost a year at that point. Though the mask she still wore hid most of her facial features, he immediately recognized her voice and eyes.

"Soojin? What... what are you doing here—"

"I'm just here to watch the concert. What, is that also not allowed?" She smiled at him, though the blankness in her eyes suggested something else.

"No... of course it's allowed, but you should get going," he responded without looking at her as he bent over to pick up a bracelet from a pile of confetti. She recognized it immediately. How couldn't she? It was the one Soyeon got everyone on their debut day.

"Oppa, did you find Shuhua's—" A voice interrupted the cold atmosphere between the two. Soojin's gaze slowly turned towards the backstage door as a head popped out.

Soyeon.

"Soojin?"

"Soyeon~" she called out, words escaping a tight-lipped smile. Her eyes shimmered under the bright, fluorescent lights as her smile grew larger.

오래간만이에요.