observing - a poem

observing

i sit
eating my lunch alone
AirPods in my ears
blasting lorde
and my friend taps my shoulder
'hey, look who passed by'
and i look up and see
him.
he was just walking to the bathroom,
but he looked at me and waved
i waved back.

i walked back from the pizza line
and i was met by my friends talking
so i sat down in my spot
and they told me that he was walking past
and tried to look for me

i was walking with him
and i noticed something was definitely bothering him
he was on the verge of tears
so i became a minute clinic doctor and assessed him
i asked him where the pain was
and then he reached out and grabbed the spot where his pain was
it was on his lower back
i told him that it might be gastric pain but just to be careful
and we went our separate ways
i went to sit down
and like always, i had to tell my friends
and as i was telling them,
he was walking fast, in tears
and did the stupidest finger guns
and pointed and smiled at
me.

i don't know what real friendship feels like
but, whatever that was
says my friends
is someone that wants more.
that, in fact
was not the case
how can he like someone like me?
I'm just the local gay person everyone knows
he can't possibly like me
and that was the case
cuz i was stupid enough to tell him

after i told him,
i told all of my friends
in disappointment, they 'confided' me
telling me that everything will be fine
that i deserve someone better
but I've never had anyone like me
ever
i have had the same amount of crushes
as a king size chocolate bar
and all of them have been straight people
what a big fucking mistake.
I've told almost half of those said people
and since then,
they have not talked to me, ever
except one.
him.

i don't know how nothing phases him
i talked to him on the phone for 57 minutes.
and we literally talked about nothing
we gave each other room tours,
showed out collections of things
and browsed through my endless collection of knick-knacks
and for the whole time
i felt like that we were friends.
you have probably never had this feeling, but
imagine you going through a break-up
with someone that you were never with in the first place.
this is what it feels like now.
i talked to him on monday.
a monday that i will cherish for this fleeting summer.
i want him to talk to me again.
i really want him to talk to me again.
he's the one
but i am not the one for him.

i always observe the people i love the most
even if they don't love me back.