𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭 // 𝐧𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬𝐨𝐯

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧. 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭

She hadn't realized darkness was beginning to seep into her vision again until string arms wrapped around her softly. Comfortingly.

It all came tumbling out. The stress of having to be a great Grisha, a strong captain, a good friend, a pure daughter. Trying to forget her past with the Darkling when that was what defined her. That was a part of her and it always would be, no matter how hard she tried to forget it.

The Darkling had gained a hold on her since she was a teenager, a hold that somehow still hadn't been released.

Nikolai listened, rubbing her arms reassuringly. She didn't deserve him. He was too good to her, even after everything...

After everything that had happened between them.

Estelle found herself blushing in his arms, speaking in a less rushed pace. She was sure his uniform was going to be creased, but he hushed her concerns about him and ushered them over to the bed.

Nikolai sat down next to her on the mattress, patiently waiting for her to calm down again. Her leg bounced nervously, her fingers twiddling aimlessly.

"Are you alright, now?" he asked quietly, almost like a whisper.

Was she? Estelle couldn't tell anymore. So she simply nodded, her eyes on the ground.

"I was going to ask you if you'd like to have an official position in the Grand Palace, but I don't know if now's the right time."

Estelle frowned, her interest piqued. "What position?"

Nikolai's lips quirked up. "Secretary of Affairs and Protection."

She turned to him. "Bodyguard? You need a bodyguard?"

"And advisor," he pointed out. "I'm a wanted man, you're a wanted woman. Both for different reasons, but we both will have assassins after us, I'm sure. As for the advisor bit, my matters could be finished much faster if I had another person helping me."

"What's the other reason?" She eyed him suspiciously.

"What other reason?" asked Nikolai as he stood up from the bed.

Estelle scoffed. "You're always playing an angle, Nikolai. What is it this time?"

"Maybe I just wanted to spend some more time with you," he shrugged, walking over to the door. "Is that a crime?"

"It is if you're trying to find a wife instead of a friend," she replied.

He paused, then looked back at her. "And if I were?"

"You've got a perfectly fine one down the hall," Estelle said curtly. "You've already offered a marriage alliance to the Sun Summoner."

"One that doesn't seem to be anywhere close to working out," he said with a sigh.

Estelle scoffed, standing up to take off her coat and hang it up. "So you'll settle for a Star Summoner instead?"

Nikolai frowned. "What? No. I'm offering you a position in court, not as my wife." He looked like he wanted to say something more, but decided against it. "You don't have to decide now, I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking about. You once told me you hated when I kept secrets from you without reason."

"Most people do," Estelle said.

"But I know that you hate it the most."

They stared at each other, the hearth crackling in the background. The sun had gone down long ago and now the stars were out, twinkling in the darkness of the night.

"We should talk," Nikolai said after a moment, "about the job—"

She interrupted him quickly. "We don't need to talk about anything, Nikolai. It happened, no matter what either of us does to forget it."

"I'm not trying to forget it, Estelle," he said softly. "You're the one that couldn't fall asleep without nightmares plaguing your sleep."

"You should go," she told him firmly. "I'll think over your job proposal, but we don't need to talk. And that's final."

He sighed, but nodded and turned to slip out silently.

Estelle exhaled and backed into the wall behind her, slowly sliding to the floor. What was she doing? Pushing everyone she cared about away. And for what? They were just trying to help. Ana, Nikolai, all they wanted to do was help her gain peace.

She refused their help because she was too stubborn. Maybe she thought she could figure it out on her own. Maybe it would go away once the Darkling was gone.

But even as the thoughts ran rampant in her mind, Estelle knew, deep down, that none of those things were going to happen. She had to come to terms with what happened to move on.

The thing about that, however, was that to come to terms with it, Estelle had to remember everything about the job.

What went wrong, what she did, what she'd have to live with for the rest of her life.

And she just couldn't. It was too painful.

Estelle dug the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to drive away the wave of fatigue that washed over her suddenly. All she wanted right now was a good night's sleep.

Even as a wish, she knew it wasn't going to happen. Even as her eyes dropped and her head leaned back against the wall behind her, the darkness called to her like a friend, when it was only an enemy in disguise, waiting to trap her in its sticky webs forever. Torturing her with her mistakes, her insecurities.

Even as she fell into the world of dreams, her head filled with ugly images of blood and torn skin, light fading away from the damage it had caused.

The death of an innocent.

a/n— Ooh, what do you think happened? Or what she did? I guess you'll just have to wait and find out...