Lipstick Stains

Spaces Between Us (Bonus Chapter)

But now, my chest just constricted at the thought of it.

"What do I do, Risa?"

"Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo nyan?"

"Kasi right now, it's up to you. Gusto mo bang ayusin ko at suyuin kita, o dapat bang tapusin ko na 'to at hayaan kang umalis?"

"Hihiwalayan mo ako?"

"If that means giving you the freedom that you want, then yes. Doon ka magiging masaya."

"Hindi mo ba naisip na gugustuhin ko lang 'yung freedom na 'yun if I can have it with you?"

"Naisip. I thought about that all night. Anong silbi ng freedom na 'yun kung hindi lang din naman ikaw 'yung kasama ko. But obviously, we're torturing ourselves."

"Leni..."

"Uulitin ko lang 'yung sinabi ko kagabi sa'yo. I can't give you what you want. Hindi pa ngayon at hindi ko alam kung kailan. It seems like you've run out of patience to wait kaya..."

I looked at her expectantly. "Kaya ano?"

"Kaya sabihin mo kung ayaw mo na para alam ko kung anong gagawin ko."

"Even if it hurts you?"

"Even if it hurts me."

I didn't respond to that. Instead, I watched her forcefully wipe the tears that fell down her cheeks drop by drop.

"I need space, Leni. Hayaan mo muna akong mag-isip."

"Okay."

Hindi niya na ako pinigilan when I walked out her door to go home. "Text ka na lang kapag may kailangan ka." She said.

I walked away.

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Leni

It's been a week since I talked to her — nights of not being able to get sleep and days of trying to occupy my mind with work so as not to drive myself insane.

How did we get to this? Saan kami nagkamali?

Nagalit ako kay Risa kagabi hindi lang dahil sa insensitive 'yung comment niya. But because in the past few days, she's been saying that often. Sana lahat nagdedate, sana lahat holding hands, sana lahat ganyan, sana lahat gan'to.

And I only have so much of me left to give.

So when she shook her head to agree na hindi sapat 'yung pagmamahal lang, I knew I'd leave the decision to her. Ayoko na umintindi at umunawa. Pagod na pagod na ako.

If by the time she contacts me and wants me to fix things, I would. In a heartbeat. But if she doesn't, wala na akong magagawa. Masakit pero ayun na 'yun eh, she made up her mind already.

I did nothing but wait sa mga nagdaang araw.

Nasa meeting kami ngayon and I saw her, beautiful as ever. Walang bakas ng lungkot o pagod na kitang-kita sa kanya. Good for her, I guess.

Someone approached her and initiated a conversation. I watched them talk from afar. Inasahan kong makaramdam ng selos pero hindi ayun 'yung naramdaman ko. Rather it was pain and bitterness kasi naisip ko, if we were to break up, she could go back to dating.

Pero ako? I think I'll always be stuck on her.

"For someone who has a girlfriend na advocate ng healthy buhay, hindi healthy 'yang ginagawa mo," Kiko said, sitting down beside me.