i wonder

if i knew for sure that i loved you,
would you love me too?
a stupid,
irresponsible,
rude,
mean,
embarrassing,
obnoxious,
oblivious,
OCD,
emotional,
insecure,
unhealthy,
sleep-deprived,
touch-deprived,
weird,
irritating,
terrible person like me?
i don't know.
i don't know if i'd want you to say yes or no.

i'm thinking about valentine's day.
what if i put something on your locker?
like chocolates or something,
without disclosing who i was.
would that help me decide?
do i love you or not?

i wish you'd hug me,
then i'd know for sure.
i don't think i've ever had a long, genuine, comfortable hug.

you tried to give me a hug once,
because i said i never get hugs.
except you couldn't because you were sitting across from me at the lunch table, haha.
i feel like you'd give good hugs.
now i want to know,
do you give good hugs?

my throat is closing,
tears are swelling in my eyes,
i don't think i've ever felt so desperate.
i want someone to love.
i want someone to love me.
i want someone to hug.
i want someone to cry with.
i want someone to be able to tell anything to.

is it you?

i don't know.

people say that if you love someone, you can't imagine a life without them.
but i can.
because i'm living it.
if you weren't there,
i'm sure i'd feel just as lonely as i am right now.

people say that if you love someone, you can imagine your future together.
but i can't.
because i don't like to think about the future.
if i think about the future i wonder if i'll end up on the streets, so i don't.
i also don't know what we'd look like in the future, haha.
but i always picture myself hugging someone,
and it is incredibly easy to make that someone look and sound just like you.

i like you.
with your pretty face,
short hair,
brown eyes,
cute voice,
adorable short height.
it's almost like someone i'd picture in my dreams.
someone i wish i knew.
but i don't know if i love you.
i kind of hope i do,
because then i'd have someone to love.

A,
If I knew for sure that I loved you,
would you love me too?