BEHOLD! A Guide for the Aspiring Mad Scientist

Interpersonal Relationships: Allies and Enemies

Encouraging: This goes beyond simply recognizing your labor force as human beings(3). In fact, it leads me directly to the final aspect of this section.

Above all else, above concerns of labor, logistics, and soul-crushing loneliness, is the most important reason for minions. Sad to say, there are at least two things that you will never be: infallible and invincible. Never declare yourself to be either, or fate, with its insatiable appetite for irony, will quickly demonstrate your folly. Furthermore, remember the following:

Since you are fallible, always test your creations. Mad or sane, you are a scientist, and you should make frequent use of the scientific method. On a similar note, listen when an underling questions you. If you respond politely, you will reinforce his morale and that of other nearby minions. If you find that he has a point, why, you've found something to correct! Congratulate the man(4) and, if he is capable of it, assign him to fix or to supervise the fixing of the flaw.

Since you are vincible, always delegate the aforementioned testing when it proves potentially hazardous. If you're working with a process or substance that requires rare reagents, unreasonably prolonged charge times, or other major investments of time or other resources, you have two options. If viable, manufacture as many doses, charge packs, or other applicable quanta as you can. Otherwise, reconsider any plans that hinge on such an easily disrupted process.

For greater insight into the thoughts of minions, I asked my chief assistant, Samuel Frendelson, to contribute a few pages to this volume. They appear at the end of the book. I haven't read them, but he assures me that they were written with the goal of training the next generation of competent minions in mind. As such, you don't need to read them either, but providing photocopies to your workforce can't hurt. On the other hand, retaining witless fools certainly will.

We'll Show Them All! Leagues, Societies, Consortia, and Other Groups

Minions are all well and good, but sometimes you want someone other than the voices in your head with whom you can hold an intelligent conversation. Also, if you failed to follow my advice from earlier, you may need someone to help with the rent. From reasons as mundane as these, great alliances have been forged... as have poorly thought out pacts that didn't last the week. Whether you seek a group of two or twenty, here are some tips to keep in mind.

It's Not All About You: Depending on the number of people involved, the average football stadium might not be large enough to contain your collective egos. Remember that this is a coalition of peers, not a gaggle of underlings, and be willing to share to spotlight.

Diversity is Key: Whether the group is purely mad geniuses or a mix of all manner of übermenschen, be sure to avoid overspecialization. Not only will this result in an internecine contest to see who is the best in your shared specialty, it will also leave your group with an easily exploitable weakness. Think in terms of complementary abilities.

Furthermore, a wide variety of fellow group members will allow you to widen your horizons, giving you the opportunity to see sciences you once dismissed through more appreciative eyes. You'll be amazed what can be accomplished through fields you once thought of as pointless.

Everything's Better with Gorillas: For reasons known only to them, hyperintelligent apes(5) flock to mad science organizations like flies to vinegar(6). Even if you don't know any now, there's a good chance one or more will want to join your group at some point in its existence. Be sure to treat any and all such prospective members with the utmost respect. Indeed, exercise more respect than you would for humans. After all, most humans can't casually tear off your arm and beat you to death with it.