Capricorn Season - Jimmy Page

Chapter 27

"But she also got her heart broken by Jim Morrison and Hendrix. Maybe she's just an idiot. She seems to have a thing for Jimmy's." She was laughing now but it was too late. The humor was lost on Gwen, who was ten feet deep in a spiral of anxiety. 

After this tale, a seed was planted in Gwen's mind. The ravenous thoughts that filled her wouldn't be quenched by a simple conversation. This was deep, this was insecurity.

They continued with their shopping trip, lugging their bags up and down aisles of clothing racks and shoes. Gwen didn't buy anything else. All she could think about were the words lady killer and what that meant for her. 

"What about these? Are they cute?" Lorelei asked, holding up a tank top and skirt set. 

"I think you'd look better in pink," Gwen shrugged, rifling through a rack of scarves. 

"You're right," Lorelei said. She put the outfit back on the rack. 

Back on the street Gwen couldn't help but feel the oppressive force of the sun. It wasn't charming and warm anymore. She was being cooked-- stewing from the inside out. 

"Hey, you okay?" Lorelei's hand on her arms shook her back into reality. Her eyes snapped to the blonde, now resting on her sweet face. 

"Yeah, just thinking."

"Don't get in your head about this, girl. Jimmy does not treat you like a groupie. He told me all about you before you came. He really loves you. From what I heard, he couldn't get enough of you and was enchanted."

"Really?"

"I believe the words he used were "we were made for each other, a perfect yin and yang"." She giggled at the recollection. That was the first time she officially met Jimmy. He was homesick, tired of tour already, and missing Gwen. He was smitten, even then, possibly more so now.

"He really said that?"

"Yeah. That was like the first thing I ever heard him say. He was talking about how much he liked you. It was really sweet. Especially now that I know Jimmy, he's not the type to say those things."

"No, he's not. Well, not to anyone but me. And even then, sometimes it's hard to get him to connect. I feel like there is a wall between us. But I think that's me."

"You put up walls?" She asked, continuing to devour her ice cream. She had the strawberry swirl and Gwen had plain chocolate. Hers was melting in the cup as she processed her feelings. 

"Yeah, I do. Lots of them. I try to shut him out so he won't hurt me. I just can't trust him and I think it's more my fault."

"Have you tried talking to him about it?"

"Yeah, he tells me all the time that he's trying his hardest and I'm letting not him in. And then I let him in. And he's great. Every time I let him in, he's great and makes me feel really good. But there is a part of me that is always so scared that he's going to hurt me. I just try my best to shove him away before he can leave."

"I don't think he's going to leave. He seems totally obsessed with you."

"That's the problem. Once that obsession is over I'm afraid this will be too. And I'm afraid it's a lie. I can't shake the feeling that none of this is real. It feels too good to be true."

"You guys haven't been together very long, the honeymoon phase won't last forever. Eventually, you'll both see the real version of yourselves."

"And there's the issue! I don't want to waste another two years. I can't afford to. What happens if I let him in, I let him all the way in, and I really start to trust him. And then I fall for him. What if things don't work out after that? What am I supposed to do?"

"Then you didn't waste two years. You spent two years with someone and it didn't work out. You lose a hand, that's all. Just put your chips back on the table and keep playing."

"But I'm tired of losing hands. I want to win."

"Well, sometimes you just have to take that bet. If you're not willing to, then it won't work out. This game of "half in-half out" isn't helping you. Go big or go home."

"I guess you're right," she sighed, "but I have to tell you something else. I have to be honest with you, about why I'm so unsure of us." Lorelei looked at her in silence, eager to hear what she had to say. Gwen was dramatic in some ways, living up to her Pisces moon. She didn't give her feelings out wantingly. When getting close to her, one had to guess how she felt. She always put you on edge, hoping it wasn't negativity she felt. "When I was a teenager I started to do love magic. It was stupid, it was the first thing I did as a practicing witch. I did a manifestation spell, a calling to love. When we first got together Jimmy told me he'd been dreaming of me since he was 15. That was around the same time that I did my first spell. What if he's just under some kind of spell and doesn't genuinely feel that way?"

"You asked for love to come your way. Did it?"

"I didn't get into a relationship until I was 19, and by then I had already been doing these spells like once a month for years. I thought that was my true love, I felt so deeply for him that I thought he was it. But that fell apart and I lost faith in love. When I met Jimmy I thought it was going to be a fling, but it turned into..."

"This."

"Yeah, all of this. And it's so crazy. I mean, I'm on a North American tour with fuckin' Led Zeppelin taking photos. This is a fever dream in itself."

"I ask again, did love find you?"

"I think so." She'd finally broken through the shell, getting a straight answer from Gwen. 

"Then there is nothing to worry about. You just have to jump off the cliff and trust that he's going to catch you."

After their talk was finished they threw their trash in the bin and began the walk back to the hotel. The journey seemed to stretch on into an endless Summer of heat and anxiety.