박성훈. dead ends

crushed.

"Right," I reply, seeing how Jangmi approaches another guy to compare hand sizes with. Then follow after my silence. "I think Sunghoon likes her though, why would he be putting up with all the teasing if he didn't?"

If there was really a devil sitting by my left shoulder, he would be laughing at me at this moment. For not making a move, for not making my feelings apparent enough, for never trying.

But why should I? I never felt like I could match up to someone like Sunghoon. I have always felt like we were separated meters apart, and it wasn't possible for me to patch up the distance alone.

It is true, humans always seem to desire what they can't have.

But still, could I take a chance and be greedy?

Chae's question, "What does liking someone feel like?" Always seems to pop up in my mind once in a while.

It's like the more time passes, my answer becomes even clearer.

Attraction is appreciating the bubble that they have managed to encase themselves in, being satisfied with the mere sight of them from afar.

But genuinely liking someone, is having the scorching desire of wanting to go out of your way and doing all means just to be welcomed in their own little bubble. It's wanting to be apart of their entire world, to be given meaning than just a random side character in their story.

Hell, was I even a random side character in his story? I'd be lucky enough to even pass by his mind a couple of times.

I heard Sunghoon's cheers erupt from the gymnasium. For once, I stopped myself from looking back.

"Did you hear about the recent gossip? My super secret source told me that Sunghoon likes someone!" Chaemin clutches on to my shoulder, hurriedly telling me the news.

I knew the super secret source was Sooha, no need to fool me, Chae.

Though, upon completely processing the entire thing, I froze in my position. "Really? Do tell, I've been curious for a while!" My best friend sat me down.

"That's what I don't know yet, but from what I heard, it's from a grade above us." So, it had no possibility of ever being Jangmi.

I didn't want to be that kind of person, but thinking of that lessened the wound of indirect rejection.

The next day, Sooha came to pester Sunghoon for clues. She was one tough little cookie, and didn't budge even if he was reluctant to give her the answers she had been wanting.

I tried not to seem nosey, but curiosity overcame my image, and I glanced at them from my peripheral vision. Chaemin grinned at my obvious attempts of eavesdropping, but tuned in as well.

"Just let me see one picture of her! Then I'll stop bothering you, c'mon Hoon!" Sooha whined.

Eventually, Sunghoon caved in.

"Fine, but just one picture, okay? You can only look." Though, Sunghoon's reminders flew past one ear from another as Sooha immediately grabs the man's phone and turns to look at the mystery girl.

Sunghoon tries to pry for his phone back, but not until he answers all the questions Sooha has fired back.

"She's a neighbor of mine, but goes to a different school. Yeah, she's a grade above us." He smiles.

Sooha returns the phone, shooting the teen a smirk. "She's really pretty, I didn't know you already had someone you had your eye on."

"Well, I've always liked her." Sunghoon simply replies, eyes gleaming. The corner of his lips are already lifting with one simple remark about her.

So, this was how the Park Sunghoon had crushes. They were lowkey. Giddy.

That was the last confirmation I needed, that I never really had a chance with someone like him.

To Sunghoon's world, I was merely a backdrop to his story. Insignificant, and unworthy of any special role.

"I never knew he was that type of guy to like his neighbor. Ah, really what a cliche." Chae mentioned, flickering back to the conversation that we have eavesdropped.

I laughed absentmindedly, not knowing what more to reply.

Thankfully, our focus shifted to Jangmi attempting to make conversation with Sunghoon.

"Hm, weird. Usually she hangs out with Sooha and Heeseung during break. Why is she with Sunghoon now?" I uttered.

Chaemin scoffs, sending a flick to my forehead. I groan, rubbing the tender spot. "Don't you see it? She's trying to signal her feelings to him!"

I look back, seeing Jangmi striking up an even longer conversation with him. She even asks him to take a photo of her by the school gardens.

As much as I'm brimming with the immense feeling of jealousy, I know that neither she is getting the carrot on the stick.

That mystery girl sure is lucky. I wonder how it feels like to be the focus of his attention?

I wonder how it feels like for your feelings to be wholeheartedly reciprocated?

"If you're so jealous about me finally having a girl, then maybe you should hit her up." I overhear Jay mention one day, followed by Jake's loud laughter.

He then loops his arm around Sunghoon's shoulder. "He's not that ballsy as you, dude. You can easily hit someone you like in dms, but this one, let's not even―"

"Hey! I can hit her up in dms too, it's just that I don't think it's the appropriate time for it." Sunghoon fired back, not wanting to lose in this lone battle which has his pride threatened.

Jay shoots him a suspecting look. "Excuses, excuses."

It was foolish to even feel hopeful towards his simple gestures. It was stupid to ignite that tiny hope within me. Because no matter how much I tried to nurture it, Sunghoon will be the one to send it into ashes.

Even in the beginning, I never really had a chance. That thought alone hurt more than I had anticipated.

The school year was coming to a close, and I kept getting entangled in this cycle of hoping only to be crushed miserably in the end.

Each time I got burned, I said it was the last. But that's a lie.

Last day of school. I walked out from the gates, feeling the sun ferociously reigning down on me. But it didn't compare to being burned by Park Sunghoon.

I waited for my ride to come, and along the way, our paths indirectly crossed.

For the last time, before summer came around, I saw the boy that I had liked through the car window.

The Sunghoon I had inevitably grown to like. The Sunghoon I had grown used to watching. The Sunghoon I could only dream to have.

But never did he glance back at me.

Leaning back to my seat, I sighed bitterly. Maybe this was really it.

I, Kang Yoora, really am a coward.

My feelings were at a dead end. They had nowhere to go, or to prosper. This was the truth, and I couldn't do anything but to accept it.

The wheels took me away, leaving him from my sight. And I hope, ―pray even, that it left my feelings there with him. 

FIN.

note: help this entire thing was a mess !! but def did help me understand my feelings and why i was feeling this way :') anyway ,, did anyone even read this ?? nonetheless, i enjoyed writing this. saying goodbye to dead ends now, see you in the next book ! also this is terribly unedited haha might come back days later to read grammatical errors so don't mind pointing out some mistakes of mine ☝️☝️☝️

signing out,
elys.