*sunday*
Life is full of surprises, but I certainly wasn’t expecting this one.
My name is Apple and I live in a small town with weird people who will always judge you by your name, your beliefs, how you dress and how you choose to live life. For you to make a first impression I’m really tall, I like to dress in large clothes because I’m insecure with my own body and I have a short black hair.
Alright, I first noticed that my step-father is not home so that means I can call my girlfriend. Her name is Andy and my parents don’t really like her. They cal her a meatball cuz she’s not the prettiest human, but I don’t care lol.
Me: Dude, can u come over?
Andy: Your parents aren’t home, huh?
Me: no, that’s why I’m calling you.
Andy: ok then, I’m on my way.
Andy arrives and we just talk about what happened in the last days.
Me: Last week my mother said that she’ll break up with my step-father. I wonder who’ll come now.
Andy: How often is this happening?-
Me: you have no idea.
Andy: It’s ok, you’re strong tho, it’s sad that you’re only 13 y.o. and this is happening to you
Me: I’m used to it.
We hear my entering door and I hide Andy in my closet.
Me: Oh hi, mom. Why are you home so early?
Mom: Our neighbours told me that they saw someone entering our house, are you ok?
Me: There’s no one here. Are you sure?
Mom: Hm. I think that you’re right. Alright, I’m going to my room, I’m tired. Please take your meds.
Andy comes out from the closet and I’m sneaking her out.
I’m going to my room and take the meds and wait for the next day to arrive.
*monday*
I’m getting ready to go to school to see who’s gonna bully me. I think their mind is in year 2003 lmao, they still bully people in 2017.
Ok, I’m just listening to music in my class and I don’t want to bother anyone. Maybe they’ll leave me alone.
William: Oh look guys, it’s the queer kid. *pours water in my head* what are you gonna do? Cry? *everyone laughs*
Me: ok, first of, what the hell did I do?We both like girls, I’m just trying to ignore y’all.
William: Yes, bravo, but your existence disgusts me.
I’m taking my empty bottle and going to bathroom crying to fill the bottle.
Me: *pours the water in William’s head* See how it feels, dumbass?
Everyone is looking in shock at me and William is turning is red face at me.
William: What did you DO?
Our english teacher enters the clss and sees us with wet hair and clothes.
Teacher: what are you doing?
William: Miss, Apple poured water on me and she;s the one crying.
Me: that’s not true-
Teacher: shut your mouth, Apple, change your clothes. How old are you? 5 y.o?
I changed my clothes and left school crying. I didn’t care that I have 3 more classes. I went to my biological father’s work and told him what happened. He told me to go home to dry my hair and he’ll talk to my teacher.
The teacher of course told dad what she believed and my father arrived home.
Dad: Your teacher is a dumbass, I’m gonna move you to another school for your own good. Just wait 3 more months and I promise you’ll be ok.
Me: thank you, at least you help me.
*tuesday*
This day arrived. I just want to see what things will happen today.
I enter the school and see Andy.
Me excited: Hey, Andy:) how are you?
Andy: Oh hi! I’m fine, I just-
William: GUYS LOOK, THE QUEER KIDS.
Me: Don’t you feel lonely?:) Don’t you want to make friends and don’t waste your time with me?
William: yeah whatever.
I was heading to my chair and a boy(Owen) grabbed my leg.
Me: uh, what are you doing?
Owen: please just stop, I want to talk to you.
Me: then leave my leg.
Owen: no.
Me: get up, I have something for you.
He gets up and I’m taking down his pants and run like italian police is coming after me.
Everyone started laughing and pointing at him. The next day we got bullied more and more from this incident.
The more time I spent with Owen, the more I realised that he’s actually a smart person. After a week I decided to break up with Andy because we didn’t talk too much lately.
The year ended and I moved to another school. I had to stay on my chair and don’t spread too much things about myself just to make a good impression.
A new classmate came to me.
Holly: Hi! You need to sign on this paper because our new teacher read the rules of this class and you are aware of what you do here. Tell me your name.
Me: Oh sure. My name is Apple.
Holly: *hands me the paper to sign* pretty name. My name’s Holly, hope you’re gonna make friends here and feel fine.
Me: I don’t have the intention to make friends, but thank you:) you seem nice.
Holly: of course you’ll make friends, let’s go home together after classes.
Me: ok, sure.
3 classes pass and I just stayed in my chair listening to music as always. A girl named Flory came to me and sat next to me.
Flory: Apple, right?
Me:yes. What’s your name?
Flory: I’m flory. Look, you seem cool, do you wanna stay with us? *points to the gossip group of girls*
Me: no, thank you anyway, I like to stay alone.
Flory: oh that’s fine, if you wanna talk to us, we’re here, girl:)
Me: yeah thank you.
In this time I tried to look ovr my classmates to see who seem “normal” to talk to. I saw a tall boy sitting alone and I went to him.
Me: hey, I’m Apple. I see that you’re also alone. What’s your name?
Alex: my name’s Alex and yeah, I don’t like my classmates.
Me: I see. What do you like to do in your spare time? What’s you zodiac sign? What type of music do you like?:)
Alex: woah, these are a lot of questions. I’m a gemini, I like do draw and I like pop music.
Me: I like to draw too and I’m a scorpio-
Alex: lol cool, I don’t like zodiac signs.
Me: oh that’s fine.
The religion class started and Flory was crying.
Teacher: why are you crying?
Flory: all my classmates gossip me and my friends don’t talk to me anymore.
Teacher: Apple is new in this class like you, how doaen’t she cry?
A random classmate: Apple just sits on her chair and desn’t bother anyone and talks very calm to everyone.
I look at other classmates agreeing and smiling at me and I put a bright smile on my face.
Me: thank you:)
Teacher: see? You can be like that too.
Flory: I don’t wanna be like her, she’s weird.
Me: I know I’m a weirdo, even the weirdos don’t like you.
The next days Flory isolated herself and didn’t talk to anyone. I kinda felt sorry for her, but I didn’t bother staying with her.
A girl came to me and said: hey, let’s sneak out and smoke.
Me: sure lol.
Me and other 4 girls sneaked out and went into a block of flats and smoked.
From that day I became addicted.
Everyday I just sneaked out from school in lunch time and smoked with my classmates. Everyone started to see me differently. They just believed that I’m cool, but I was a fool for smoking. I started to regret it, but a part of me said “do it, just do it., it’s not ok, that’s why you do that”.
A boy confessed to me in my class and I rejected him respectfully telling him that I’m queer. He was mad about this fact and told everyone that I’m part of lgbt+
Every girl started looking at me with disgust except for one person. Flory. She was the only one straight ally in my class, but she still didn’t like me(as a person).
A girl names Grace once came to me and said: ew I hope you don’t like me
Me: girl, look at your face first.
After a year staying with these classmates I realized taht the bullying didn’t stop and I need to defense myself.
Until one day in 8th grade 2 of the dumbest persons in this class started to call me fat and bully my appearance until I beat one of them until he started crying so hard and he went home. It felt so good expresing how I feel.
The next day he told our teacher what happened and I explained my part of story as well and my teacher said “good job, Apple. You can do it again as you wish” and she didn’t seem to joke.
*a year passed*
I finished the 8th grade and went to highschool and met new people.
I first met a genderfluid named Ash. He seemed cool so we started to talk. We had a lot in common and after classes we hang out to talk more and he waited for his father to come.
Ash: you can go home, my father doesn’t let me have friends because what he experienced.
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m going home, see you later.
Yeah, I saw him after 4 months=)))
Ok, that’s not the idea.
When I arrived home my mom told me: Look,you have to give this card to your classmate Moss, They’re short and have brown hair.
Me: fine.
The next day I go to Moss.
Me: hey, my mom told me to give this to you, you don’t have to pay to go home now.
Moss: thank you:)
I go to my chair again and ignore everyone as always.
Teacher: kiddos, let’s go outside to breath fresh air.
We all went out and I just stay alone because I don’t know anyone.
I felt like I stayed too much and I asked Moss what time is it and went to class alone. I just felt bad that I talked to someone so from that day I didn’t say a word.
In second semester we started to go to lab to cook and I stayed in front of Moss and just peeled carrots. WIthout realising we started talking more and more often so we hanged out in weekend and we had a lot to talk about.
I started talking again with Ash and we got together in a relationship. It was fine until when we were in class he started to be more cold with me and we broke up after a couple of days, but we remained friends.
I had to sing with my guitar in june and I invited Moss and Ash to see me<3 after I sang we all hang out and saw that we share the same fking braincell and we all became best friends. Moss invited us at their house to his birthday and we were excited. A girl saw us and put a really weird smile and said “yeess party”. We looked at each other and we were too stunned to speak so we went home.
Me: thank you because you came to see me singing:)
Moss: no prob, you were great.
Ash: take your guitar at Moss’s house.
Me: oh sure.
We went to Moss’s house and we just sat down cuz we were tired.
Ash: do you wanna talk to spirits?
Me: uhm YES
Moss: I’m gonna look at y’all
Ash: that’s fine, just don’t say that you’re afraid
Me: why?
Ash: you’re gonna scare them
Me: oh fine.
Ash lighted the candles and the incense and I instantly felt the connection.
Me: I feel a presence, is this normal?
Ash: yes, that’s great.
After we talked to them we all went home.
I started to make a shrine for a goddess and made an ouija board. I lighted a candle, turn off the lights and closed the window. I talked to them for 3 days and I felt dizzy. I tried to get up to turn on the lights and grab a glass of water. I walked two steps and I fell down.
I got up and tried to turn on the lights but I cannot. I looked down and saw my body. I died? Was this my end?
My mom entered in my room shoked and said “Apple this is not funny. Get up. I know you’re messing around” but she realised that I died and saw blood on my face. I fell on my table and broke my head.
I was in a coffin without the lid for my relatives to look at me. I was looking at my body and my uncles, cousins, aunts, my parents amd others crying and I heard my mom talking.
My aunt: How did she die?
Mom: You know she was schizophrenic, she just talked alone I her room with illusions who she named Ash and other girl and she suddenly lighted candles and she didn’t eat or drink water for three days and had her window closed and she was too weak. When she tried to turn on the lights she fainted and broke her head and died.
I hear what my mom said and I was stunned. My friends were not real? I didn’t had a girlfriend? Spirits weren’t real? The bullying wasn’t real?
I just sat crying looking at them talking about my life and I didn’t even know that wasn’t the reality.
I was just a 17 years old girl mentally ill who lost her own mind and died.
-end-
