I will always put you first (WangXian modern au)

9. "I am trying"

I turn to smile at him and nod. Lifting three fingers to the sky, I promise him that I would text him every day.

At the dinner table, the boys are all happy to see me. We are all happily chatting when Si Zhui says, "Oh, Dr. Wei, I forgot to tell you something. I met with Detective Wen Zhu Li at the hospital today. He was asking about how you were doing. He said you went to the same school. He told me to say hi to you."

That name! I gasp, forgetting I had food in my mouth, and I can feel the rice as it enters my windpipe. I break out into a massive coughing fit. A kaleidoscope of images is in my mind. Wen Zhu Li. Dogs. Pain. Darkness. Cold. More pain. I can't breathe. No! I can not have an attack in a mess hall full of people!! Lan Zhan's hands are on my back immediately. I will myself to focus only on the feel of his touch.

"Slow down. Breathe with me." I can hear Lan Zhan speak softly.

"I am sorry, Dr. Wei. Was it something I said? Did I startle you?" Si Zhui looks worried. He has stopped eating.

I wave my hand and gesture to him that it was nothing. When my coughing stops and Lan Zhan puts his hand back in his own lap, I grab it under the table. I need something to help me stop shivering. He looks at me with surprise. But holds my hand, and his thumb starts caressing me. Slowly, painfully I calm myself down enough to talk.

"Sorry. That was a very rough coughing fit. I don't know what caused it. Some food must have entered my windpipe by mistake. Sorry Officer Si Zhui, I have caused you to worry." I apologize.

"Oh no, no, Dr. Wei. No need to apologize. It happens to all of us. You will be surprised how often Jing Yi makes a comment that forces us to laugh when we have food in our mouth, and then we all end up coughing." He says with a mischievous smile as he recalls something.

I smile back, but I have lost my appetite. I only take a few sips of water and wait for Lan Zhan to finish eating. And then we head back to D23. That room has come to be my sanctuary.

"Can I shower first?" I ask, and when Lan Zhan nods, I quickly gather my clothes and get in the bathroom. I can no longer hold back and puke my guts out.

Lan Zhan knocks, "Wei Ying, let me in. Let me in, Wei Ying." He says urgently. But I don't want him to see me like this. "It's okay... Don't... Please... Don't come in..." I pant. And then hurl for several more minutes.

Uncontrollable sobs break through my body as I collapse on the floor. After a few minutes, I gather whatever little strength I have and get on my feet. I finish brushing, showering, changing, and step out. I know I must look like a piece of shit.

I don't want to worry Lan Zhan, so I mutter a good night and get on the bed. I cover myself up to my face and shut my eyes. Lan Zhan tries to pull the blanket away from my face, but I resist.

"Are you alright?" I hear his soft voice. "Yes. I am fine. I want to sleep." I reply. I feel him move away, and then I hear the bathroom door.

I am wide awake. I can't sleep. My body is shivering. My brain is conjuring up the pain and humiliation from my past, and I cannot break free. Darkness engulfs me. I want to cry so bad, but I can't seem to let it out. I don't know how long I stay in that situation.

I feel a warm body pulling me closer. "Scoot," I hear Lan Zhan's voice nearby. Slowly I remove the blanket from my face and move, making room for him. He has showered and smells of sandalwood. He has turned off the main light. I break down all over again as he puts his arm around me. Plastering myself into him, I cry. I just can't stop.

"Shh... I am here. You are safe. I will protect you. Breathe with me. There. Again, come on, breathe with me one more time. Shhh... I am here. " He whispers and starts rubbing my back. He is breathing to the count of three, and I try to keep up.