I will always put you first (WangXian modern au)

1. "I have to go"

"We are here, sir.", the driver says, bringing me back to the present. As I walk into the cemetery, I see the familiar figure of my brother, just like I had expected.

Kneeling in front of our mother's grave, I lay down the flowers I had brought and pay my respects. Wang Ji looks at me and acknowledges me with a polite, "Xiongzhang," If he was surprised, his face does not show it. 

"Wang Ji, I knew I would find you here today. Would you have time for a cup of tea with me?" I ask, smiling and patting his shoulder. "Sure, Xiongzhang," he replies, as polite as ever, lowering his gaze.

He takes his bike, and I ride with him, asking my driver to bring the car to our regular joint - the Ritz. The ride is silent but comfortable. I know he must be wondering and making pretty good guesses regarding the reason for my visit. I am trying to form a clear agenda for our talk in my head. I know we might not be able to meet each other anytime soon if he takes the post at Yunnan. So I do not want to leave things unsaid. By the time he stops at Ritz and gives the keys to the valet, my mind is clear about what I want.

When we are seated at a table, we order tea and begin to talk. I begin to talk. He is his usual quiet self.

"Wang Ji, what is on your mind? Last night when you said you wanted to go to Yunnan. I felt like there was a deeper meaning behind that request. Tell me, brother. What is going on?" I ask.

He expected this. He still hesitates, but only slightly. I see a resolve on his face as he looks up. "Official reason and personal. I have to go," is his succinct reply.

"I know you can't divulge the official matter, but tell me what your personal reason is," I try to persuade him.

He only looks down and softly says, "When the time is right."

"Whatever it is that you are planning - work or personal - is it dangerous? Will it be dangerous to you? What are you risking here, Wang Ji? And why? Is there no other way?" I do what he wants me to do. I don't ask for reasons anymore, but at the same time, I don't avoid voicing my concerns. I want him to be safe. I want him to know I am worried about him. The last time he had returned from there, he had been injured. I know that is not unusual considering his profession. But as a brother, I can't help worrying. He is my closest family.

"Xiongzhang, I will be careful.", he says, keeping his empty teacup down.

I know I am making him uncomfortable. He is not the one to speak about his feelings. I realize this is the most I will be getting from him today. I sigh and respond, "You do that. Please. For me. After all, we only have each other," I remind him. 

He nods, "Hm. I will leave first. Need to prepare for tomorrow's departure," he says and gets up. He pulls out his wallet to pay, but I stop him. "Go. I got this. Let me know when you get there safely. While you are there, please stay in touch. You know you can always reach out to me any time of the day or night, for anything," I give more instructions. His smile is barely there. With another imperceptible bow, he responds with a "Take care, Xiongzhang," and leaves.

I watch his retreating figure and take care of the check. My heart is still unsettled, but I am grateful I got to talk to him today.

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Wei Wu Xian, Beijing

"I am not asking as your consultant, A-Xian. I am asking as your friend. Do you really want to go? After everything? Is it safe for you to go?" a very worried Wen Qing is asking me this the umpteenth time.

A psychotherapist by profession, Wen Qing is my consultant. She has been helping me deal with 'stuff from my past.' She is a pure, kind soul by nature. She is like the sister I never had. So she is understandably perturbed when I tell her that I will be heading a medical team to go to Yunnan for rescuing the flood victims.

The flooding and my work there as part of a medical team do not worry her as much. She is troubled by the fact that it is Yunnan where I want to go.

She knows Yunnan's significance to me.

We have a history.

My parents were doctors there. They wholeheartedly served the community till their dying day.

I was born there. I studied there. I became a doctor there.

I lost my dear ones there. I was also tortured and traumatized there. I gave up my fortune there. I almost took my own life there.

But despite all this, I have never hated that place. I have only ever wanted to help the people of Yunnan.

"Yes, A-Qing. I want to. I have to go. It's still home. My parents served Yunnan. I sincerely wanted to continue in their footsteps. Fate had different plans, and I gave up on that part of my dreams when I moved to Beijing. But now, that place needs me. My people need me. I have a chance, and I have a reason to go there. As the leader of this medical team, I will be able to make a difference. Why would I not do it? I understand your worries. But I will be safe. I will not get involved in anything other than the rescue mission. No one should have any problems with me doing that. I may not even step inside the facility of YMC. I will be safe," I tried to convince her. 

Although I don't need her permission or anything, her acceptance is still important to me. She is important to me. She was there for me when I was going through the worst time of my life. It won't be an exaggeration to say that she is the reason I am still alive. I want her to understand my point of view. I don't want to alienate her. 

At last, she acquiesces. I can see reluctance etched in her face, in her scrunched-up eyebrows. But she knows this is something I have set my heart on. "You stubborn fool. Damn it, A-Xian. Why do you have to be so bull-headed about this? Ok, ok, alright. Fine. Go. But remember you have to call me every day or at least send a text. I will be worried until I see you safely back in Beijing. Also, don't forget our appointments. We should keep them. I will send you video conference links for each of them. And don't skimp on journaling. Let's not hinder your progress. Ok?" she says firmly.

I nod and smile at her. "I promise. I promise.", I say, lifting three fingers to the sky making her chuckle. Phew. I slowly let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.